SGA Porn

Dec. 15th, 2016 06:38 pm
keiramarcos: (Default)
I was cooking dinner when my husband came in. I'd put a play list on in the kitchen and was just singing along to Josh Groban. He walks in, looks at me and asks, "Are you writing McKay/Sheppard porn again?"

And I respond, "I'm definitely thinking about it why do you ask?"

"Josh Fucking Groban." He threw up a hand. "Two years of Josh Fucking Groban!"

And then he walked out of the kitchen.

*blinks innocently*
keiramarcos: (farscape)
So Cockprovider and I were talking about "street harrassment" and the impact it has on women. He was actually pretty dubious about the entire concept but he's got Dick Privilege so he has no idea what it's like to walk around in this world surrounded by walking, moving threats. I'm not saying that every single man I see/meet/pass by is out to attack or kill me-- but I am saying that most adult men between the ages of 16 and 50ish could easily overpower me physically which makes them a threat on an instinctual level.

I told him that while I don't often encounter outright harrassment from men on the street because frankly I don't walk down "streets". I drive places, park, get out of my car and go in. It isn't like living in a city like New York where sometimes it's easier to walk or take the bus. BUT what I do get is store harrassment. The only time I can normally by pass comments is if I'm on the phone and even then I get leering behavior and little smirks when men who should be old enough to know better check out my tits in the most obvious way possible. The worst? Smacking their lips. I have grown men smack their lips at my tits.

So I made him go a large grocery store with me for an experiment and we both got carts and he pretended he wasn't with me.

I was propositioned twice in produce. The most "mature" of the two comments was "Nice melons, sweetheart." I was no where near the cantalope.

In the meat department, while in line to get a roast and some sliced ham from the butcher I got these comments:

"So you like thick meat?" (Leering grin) from another (different from melon guy) customer after I told the butcher how thick I wanted the ham sliced. I ignore him.

"Getting a beef roast? I prefer nice porking... I mean pork roast." He's very persistant.

I roll my eyes and hope that he's run out of meat references. He hasn't because he says, "this stuffed sausage is on sale but you can have mine for free."

Had my husband not there and had I not been determined to make a point, I'd have already this motherfucker off.

The butcher who is glaring at the man just keeps mouthing he's sorry to me. I get my stuff and I leave. My husband is, by the way, already ten kinds of fucking furious but he's maintaining his "cover".

In the baking section, a man "helps" me get something from a shelf that I could've reached myself and looks down my shirt while he does it. He almost dumps 5lbs of flour on me. Due to brain-washing (ie manners) I actually thank this motherfucker for his help and he responds, "any time, sweet thing."

In dairy, the man from the meat department finds me and he's all grinning and smug when he says, "Caught ya!"

I start looking at the dates on the organic milk without acknowledging him and my husband says, "if you say one more word to my wife, I'm going to end you."

And thus our experiment ended. The dude scurried off and CP pointed one finger at me: "You are never going to the fucking grocery store by yourself again."

To which I responded, "I'm a grown woman. I do what I want."

And he didn't even notice the three different men who reached across me to get something and purposely rubbed their arm across my chest or ass. Just sayin'
keiramarcos: (Default)
I'm back from going to Wal-Mart and Target on Christmas Eve. It wasn't my fault -- my mother forgot stuff and I stupidly agreed to go for her. Nothing remotely interesting happened while I was out (a total of 2 hours) BUT what happened before I left the house is PURE GOLD. I get dressed, put on comfortable shoes and I'm lookng around for my gloves when Cock Provider comes up from his mancave. This was our conversation:

Cock Provider: Whoa, whoa, where are you going?
Me: Wal-Mart and Target for my mother.
Cock Provider: (frown face) Baby, it's Christmas Eve.
Me: Mama forgot to get something.
Cock Provider: And asked you to go to Wal-Mart the day before Christmas? (dubious face)
Me: (shrugs) My sister is working.
Cock Provider: I should probably go with you.
Me: (huff) I don't need a chaperone, asshole.

I find my gloves, put on my coat, and this motherfucker grabs me by the shoulders and we have THIS conversation:

Read more... )

keiramarcos: (Default)
You see, it's like this. Cock Provider fucking loves Cranberry Sierra Mist. The problem is -- it's a seasonal drink and you can only really buy it in the stores in the fall (in my area). It's also stocked in small amounts and sells out quickly. It's really annoying. Today, I was grocery shopping and I went to check to see if they had any (they hadn't had any in a week or more) and they had 4 twelve packs left and they were on sale so I could get all four for 10 bucks. Very cool, huh? So I start putting them in my cart and I get to pack number 4 and this man reached for it at the same time but I already had my fingers in the little carry hole-thing. So I picked it up and put in my cart. He huffed at me really loud. This is what happened next:

Dramatic Huffing Man: I wanted that.

Your First Lady of Porn: I got to it first.

Dramatic Huffing Man: You had three in your cart already-- you should give me the fourth one.

Your First Lady of Porn: No, I'm getting all four.

Dramatic Huffing Man: A good Christian would share.

Your First Lady of Porn: I'm not even a Christian so fuck off.

I walk away. He follows. Huffs and tries to talk to me again. He follows me all the way to frozen foods where I'm trying to navigate around three thousand (okay -- just five) people to get to the frozen french fries.

Dramatic Huffing Man: Just give me the fourth one or else.

(WOW -- I must have an asshole-magnet in my ass. I swear OR there are a lot of men who really can't handle being told no by a woman)

I turn and stare at him.

Your First Lady of Porn: OR else what, exactly? Are you going to take it from me? Are you going to report me to the manager of the store for failing to bow down to your old white dude entitlement? Are you going to call the cops and tell them I'm not giving you what you want? Seriously, just what do you plan to do?

He huffed twice and stalked off while every one around just stared. But, I'm a bitch so I couldn't let him walk away without shouting after him --- "Happy holidays, asshole!"

The things I do for my Cock Provider.


Mar. 11th, 2014 06:18 pm
keiramarcos: (Default)

So, Cock Provider hasn't had much to say about my whole radio show thing beyond making sure he doesn't get on the air by accident.

I told him that the package I picked out on BlogTalk Radio would allow me up to 2 hours a day if I wanted. And he looked at me like I was a weirdo and asked, "Do you really have that much to say?"

And I stared at him (kind of horrified to be honest) and asked, "You don't?"

And he was like straight-up, no hesitation, "Nope."

Gonna do a test show tonight to figure out my dashboard. Call me if you have time:

Dick Punch

Dec. 5th, 2013 12:19 am
keiramarcos: (youbitch)
I'm sick. I have a terrible cold. I'm extremely ill-tempered as a result.

I go to KFC to get chicken (fuck you, I know it's bad for me) and while I'm waiting in line this man gets in my personal space. I mean, like so close I can feel him breathing out of his stupid mouth. And I turn to him, honestly he looked slightly familiar, but I couldn't remember where I'd seen him. I said, "Look, dude you need to back up. You're in my personal space."

And he smirked at me.

And I said, "Mother fucker, I will dick punch you if you don't take two significant steps back."

He took two steps back.

While I'm waiting on my food -- my phone starts to ring and it's Cock Provider. I answer the phone with -- "Look, asshole, I said I would get you fucking hot wings. I don't need a reminder like I'm a child or worse a man."

He clears his throat. "So, where are you going after this? You should probably go home."

I said, "well, I need to go buy stamps."

And he said, "Oh, sweetheart, that's not a good idea."

And I said, "fuck you I do what I want."

And he said, "you have too much attitude to be in public. You just threatened to dick punch my boss and he's really most sincerely sorry about standing too close to you."

And I turn around and his boss is waiting by the door for his food. He very carefully waves at me.

I went home.

keiramarcos: (farscape)

I realize the recent casting of Ben Affleck has made some people... sort of flip their shit. BUT... let's talk about this:

IF this Batman:
brucewayne AND this is Superman: henrycavill

I'm going to go on record RIGHT NOW and say, I ship it.

I ship it so hard that I've already mentally wrote 100,000 words dedicated to all the grudge fucking I'm picturing.

Also, my husband broke this news to me first and I just stared for a few seconds then nodded and said, "Yeah, I could... yeah I totally ship that."
keiramarcos: (no shame)
I had the following two conversations in the thirty minutes it took me to put up my groceries:

Accidental Sex is Impossible:

When I return home from grocery shopping (which [ profile] ladyholder  an attest was quite traumatic for me this evening), I found my husband on the phone with his long time friend from college that I will call California Asshole from now on. California Asshole and my husband often call each other during sporting events (football and basketball specifically) and use the speaker phone feature on our phone system to watch games together. ENTIRE games together. Their bromance is fierce but I'm not worried since they live on opposite sides of the country. Now California Asshole is an educated man and he's married to a very sweet woman (VSW). We often yell things to each other when our husbands are using the speaker-phone to experience surround sound assholery together while they male bond over the poor performance of a millionaire playing with a ball on national television.

Anyways, I come home and these two are talking and CP is in the kitchen with me putting up groceries and California Asshole tells CP that his friend from work accidentally cheated on his wife. And my husband asked, "Is it an accident because he cheated or because he got caught?" which makes California Asshole laugh his ass off. (see he's a 100% asshole).  So there is this whole story where California Asshole tells my husband about his friend who had unexpected, accidental sex with a co-worker (on the job) and got put on probation. Anyways, his wife found out and she filed for divorce.

And I said, "Oh, I'd need a lawyer but it wouldn't be for a divorce."

And California Asshole said, "It really was an accident."

AND I said, "Bullshit, there is no circumstance where that's possible. You can't accidently have sex with someone."

And CP laughed and said, "Maybe it was an accident."

And I pointed myfinger at him and said, "No. Absolutely not. You can't just fall on someone and your dick just magically ends up in the appropriate hole. If that were possible, frankly, I'd find football much more interesting."

I don't know what was better -- the California Asshole hyperventilating, VSW's laughter, or the fact that my husband was stunned absolutely silent. He literally had nothing to say.

Padawan and His Teenage Angst:

So, Padawan calls shortly after I sent CP off to have a few moments to collect himself and says to me. "Mom is so mean to me. I can't stand it here. And I hate her. I want to spend the week with you.

And I said, "Well, I guess you're old enough to know. You're not actually her kid she adopted you. I was just out of college and I didn't know who your Dad was. I mean it could have been anyone of ten different guys to be perfectly frank. So... she agreed to raise you and be your mom."

And his breath got all hitchy and he started crying and asked, "Are you for real?"

And I said, "No you little asshole, my sister spent sixteen fucking hours pushing you out of her vagina. Have some respect or I'm going to come over there and kick you in the neck. I swear to Thor if you don't get over your teenage angst years immediately that I will spend the next two decades making you pay for it."

Cunt Nazi

May. 28th, 2013 12:29 pm
keiramarcos: (no shame)
It went like this. My husband called me while I was driving. I have a Bluetooth but I only like to talk to people on it when I want to. I'm one of those people who honestly thinks that I pay for a phone so I can call people not so they can call me unless I ask them to call me then that's okay. Just so you know.

HE calls me and this our conversation:

Me: Hey, I'm driving.
Cock Provider: I need you to pick up that new motherboard I ordered from the parts place.
Me: I need you to put three hundred bucks in my checking account to pay for it.
Cock Provider: (huff) When are you going to write that Best Seller again?
Me: My progress on Fifty Shades of a Hungry Harry Potter is currently stymied by the fact that I have a moral objection to being famous.
Cock Provider: Well get over that shit.
Me: Give me money, bitch, or your new computer thingy is staying at the store. Also I need you put air in my tires and wash my car, too.
Cock Provider: High maintenance
Me: No pussy for you!
Cock Provider: Whatever, Cunt Nazi.

Honestly, it's days like this that I realize I totally married my soulmate.

keiramarcos: (no shame)
Here's the thing. When my husband comes home -- he spends the first two hours or so wondering in and out of my office while I'm trying to write and work (or bitch on Facebook). He tells me crazy, unimportant things that I could not give a flying backwards fuck about. No really. There are stories with no point. Bitching about his Mormon co-worker which, okay, I'll give him that one. That dude is a Grade A asshat and it has nothing to do with his religion that's just how I remember which one he is.

Now, I realize that my husband wanting to spend time with me might SOUND charming. But you know what? When I'm trying to write filthy butt sex it's a real problem around here. You know what this means? That's right -- my husband is a total cock block.

I told him so.

It's been fifteen minutes and he's still speechless.

keiramarcos: (no shame)

Sisko did his best to climb the tree in my backyard today. I watched this for fifteen minutes before I decided to out and investigate what had gotten him so worked up. What do I find?

Just out of his reach, hanging out a branch looking at my dog like he was crazy-- a chipmunk. It made some chittering "haha" noise at my dog which pissed me off so walked over to the tree, grabbed the limb below him and pulled it back so when I released it, it would hit the branch that smug little shit was on. And it did. (Don't look at me like that. My PMS is EPIC.)

The chipmunk scrambles around on his perch but doesn't actually fall but it chitters some more and darts up the tree before it jumped to a branch in my neighbors tree and I shout after it, "Good luck with that you little bastard, they've got a pitbull over there!"

Me and Sisko come in the house--bitchy together and I make myself a latte and give him a big horrible pig bone to chew on. So, I tell my husband about the chipmunk and he says.

"Honey, no, we don't have chipmunks in this neighborhood."

And I said, "Fine, jerk off, some fat squirrel with no tail was harrassing Sisko so I ran it off into the yard with the pitbull."

He asks, "Did you just call me a jerk off?"

I shot him the bird and walked out of the room.

keiramarcos: (no shame)

My husband comes home bitching about some jackass at work who argued with him about religion. (aside: I've told him repeatedly not to talk religion, politics, science, reality, or weather with his Mormon co-worker. Motherfucker just doesn't listen to me.) And he ends his rant with, "Well, not like you care. You're an atheist." 

And I say, "Actually, yesterday I had a moment during the storm and have recognized Thor as my Lord and Savior." Pause. "Well, it could've happened when I was watching the Avengers Blu-Ray on the big mancave TV. The surround sound was rather a religious experience for me."

Cock Provider stares at me in open-mouthed horror. "You can't worshi Thor!"

"Why the hell not?"  I ask, putting on my best incensed-Southern-Woman expression. 

He sputters. "You just can't!"

And I say, "Let me get this straight -- you can worship a vengeful, spiteful, intolerant God who spends the entire Old Testament punishing his followers before he takes a page out of Zeus' playbook and knocks up a virgin where upon he sacrifices his son for the sins of people who haven't even been born yet but I can't worship the acknowledged God of Thunder?"

"Honey, you're being ridiculous. The bible..."

"There are books about Thor and Odin. There are movies about him. Historical documentaries on the mythology that surrounds him. All of which are no different than the books, movies, and history written about your so-called savior." I hold up a hand. "Look, don't be jealous. It's not my fault you didn't pick a kick-ass god like I did. Don't hate the player. Hate the motherfuckin' game."

He spent the rest of the evening sulking. Most entertainment since I went to the organic food store


May. 4th, 2012 10:47 pm
keiramarcos: (Default)
So I'm reading the Ready, Fire, Aim 'Verse by Gyzym and my husband sneaks up behind me and of course he comes along during a sex scene and demands, "Oh my fucking god what is Tony Stark doing to Captain America?!?" In the most horrified tone I've EVER heard come out of his mouth. It was GOLDEN.

And I said, "Actually, Captain America is fucking Tony Stark in the ass." 

He just turns around and leaves my office mumbling to himself. This is the same thing that happened to him when he realized that most of the Star Trek fandom was dedicated to the epic Kirk/Spock ship. He'd gone his entire adult life without knowing this. He said, "But, but, but... Kirk fucked women! A lot of women!"

And I said, "Fandom doesn't care. He could have married sixteen women and slashers will still have him bond with Spock."

I told him long ago, "Look, dude, slashers will be in your fandom slashing all the hot guys. It's a given. Accept it."

Though he did stumble across something in his first question -- why do people automatically assume that if Captain America and Iron Man got it on that it would be automatically Tony Stark's fault? Bad Boy vs. Good Boy thing I'm sure but it's not quite how that works. Good boys and girls often seek out the bad boys and girls. ;-)

keiramarcos: (Default)

You see, it's like this: Amazon sells practically everything. Twenty two days ago I purchased (with my first birthday money-- My Uncle Who Lives in Arizona always sends me money at the end of September because he forgets my birthday is at the end of October) a rather large cache of sex toys, lubes, and various other sundry sexy time items in an effort to replenish and update The Box that sits in the bottom of my bedroom closet. It is a grand box. Thank fuck you can buy batteries in epically large numbers at Costco.

Is there any particular reason you got a white male sex doll? )

The Horror

Jul. 6th, 2011 11:27 am
keiramarcos: (Default)
In what will be known as The Great Oreo Betrayal of 2011, the Cock Provider absconded with the last of my Oreos and took them to work for his SNACK.

The man has no idea how he will suffer when he returns.

I've already sent him the following text message:

"Bring home more Double Stuffed Oreos OR else!"

I'm considering pulling our all of our luggage and putting it out in the front hall so he'll think I packed up his shit.
keiramarcos: (Default)
My mom has often said throughout the years the following:

"I'm sweating like a whore in church."

"You're a living/breathing advertisement for birth control."

"I keep waiting for natural selection to take you out for me."

"I don't have enough energy to hate you."

And finally: "If your mama had spanked you more when you were a child; you'd probably be tolerable as an adult."

-So, it isn't like I can deny being her child.

* * * *

General confessions:

1. I'm quite grossed out by frogs.
2. The Cock Provider doesn't read my LJ or my website on the off chance that he might encounter Surprise!Butt-Sex. He's not homophobic but he doesn't dig explicit gay sex at all.
3. Once I was irritated by the Cock Provider and he was getting on my nerve so I went on X-Tube and found the filthiest butt-sex video I could and started playing it on my big monitor. He practically ran on air to get out of my space. I still don't feel guilty about it and it turned out to be a pretty hot video for amateur porn.
4. I've never let a man get away with calling me a whore or a bitch in bed.
keiramarcos: (Default)
So here's the thing... LOL.

My husband bought a Droid phone and for a reason he can't figure out-- every time I call him-- his phone plays Irreplaceable by Beyonce. He thinks I did something because he didn't even download the ring tone. But I swear on my unposted gay porn that I didn't.


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