Cousin Stan
Apr. 26th, 2011 03:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keiramarcosI have a metric fuckton of cousins but only one who knows the "Keira" persona. He likes to browse through my site and LJ just to keep track of my horribleness on a regular basis. About an hour ago, this motherfucker who I can't even claim isn't related to me since people have often asked us if were were fraternal twins sent me a list of things I've said to family members over the years that he remembers fondly.
Said to my cousin "LJ" after he made a rather unfortunately true remark about the guy I was dating at the time. -- "I wouldn't be surprised to find out you tortured puppies when you were a kid."
Said to my cousin "Darla" after she told my sister that my sister's first husband was lucky he died so he could escape her -- "I live in hope that your husband finally figures out that his gay experiment in college wasn't a phase."
Said to my Aunt BusyBody after she invited me to a "tent revival" for the sixth year in a row -- "Aunt Busybody, I'm not a Christian. The only time I step foot in a church is for funerals and weddings. Besides, if I want to handle snakes and talk to Jesus -- I can go to Stan's house to play with his pet boa and get shitfaced." (I don't remember it that way-- I'm pretty sure I said, "handle snakes and speak in tongues" but I think Stan remembers it differently because he doesn't want to think about how crazy his Mama might be)
Said to my Aunt BusyBody after she told me I was going to hell for not attending her "tent revival" and mending the error of my evil butt-sex writing ways -- "That won't be the reason I go to hell."
Said to my Uncle Jailbird when I was sixteen and he was on parole for the fourth and final time (he eventually died in jail the poor crazy thing, he couldn't help it he liked to steal things and watch stuff burn down) -- "Criminally speaking, you might be the more experienced of the two of us but if you don't shut up talking about my mama I'm going to go dig a hole for whatever is left of your body when I get done with you."
And finally to my cousin Stan about four years ago when he called to tell me that his sister's husband had kicked her ass -- "Do you need help with the body disposal or the crime scene clean up? I have a whole box of garbage bags from Costco."
Said to my cousin "LJ" after he made a rather unfortunately true remark about the guy I was dating at the time. -- "I wouldn't be surprised to find out you tortured puppies when you were a kid."
Said to my cousin "Darla" after she told my sister that my sister's first husband was lucky he died so he could escape her -- "I live in hope that your husband finally figures out that his gay experiment in college wasn't a phase."
Said to my Aunt BusyBody after she invited me to a "tent revival" for the sixth year in a row -- "Aunt Busybody, I'm not a Christian. The only time I step foot in a church is for funerals and weddings. Besides, if I want to handle snakes and talk to Jesus -- I can go to Stan's house to play with his pet boa and get shitfaced." (I don't remember it that way-- I'm pretty sure I said, "handle snakes and speak in tongues" but I think Stan remembers it differently because he doesn't want to think about how crazy his Mama might be)
Said to my Aunt BusyBody after she told me I was going to hell for not attending her "tent revival" and mending the error of my evil butt-sex writing ways -- "That won't be the reason I go to hell."
Said to my Uncle Jailbird when I was sixteen and he was on parole for the fourth and final time (he eventually died in jail the poor crazy thing, he couldn't help it he liked to steal things and watch stuff burn down) -- "Criminally speaking, you might be the more experienced of the two of us but if you don't shut up talking about my mama I'm going to go dig a hole for whatever is left of your body when I get done with you."
And finally to my cousin Stan about four years ago when he called to tell me that his sister's husband had kicked her ass -- "Do you need help with the body disposal or the crime scene clean up? I have a whole box of garbage bags from Costco."