Fourth Generation Smartass
May. 19th, 2012 08:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keiramarcosPadawan has two brothers -- one older going on 15 and another who turned 8 a few months back. The eight year old is normally a very quiet kid (hereby dubbed Stoic Nephew). He's observant and quick but he isn't mouthy like Padawan or attitude-ridden like the 15 year old.
So, last night we're sitting on a bench waiting for a table at O'Charlie's and Cousin Stan is trying vainly to have a conversation about football with Cock Provider. He knows less about football than I do and I, on one memorable occasion, once called the Seattle Seahawks -- "That seabird team you like". Right. Cock Provider is more amused than anything by this entire conversation. I'm pretty sure every time they talk the phrase "Bless his heart" hovers on the tip of my husband's tongue for hours afterward.
So Padawan and Stoic Nephew are sitting side by side on a bench and this woman who knows my Aunt Holy Roller comes in. She's normally a somewhat decent person for all of her vigorous efforts to turn everyone into snake-handling religious zealots (like herself). But as you know I've become less and less interested in being polite to people who shove their spiritual cock down my throat. But I try to be nice but her husband is a lecher and a rather snotty bastard on top of it. He grabbed my ass the summer after my junior year in college and elbowed him so hard in the stomach he nearly threw up (no guilt).
Now Church Lady asked me if I'd been to a "service" recently and I proudly announce to the entire lobby that I had come to terms with the fact that I, myself, am a goddess and I started my own cock worshiping cult as a result. Stan and Cock Provider both burst out laughing. Lecher laughs it off and asks if he can join and I look right at his crotch and say, "I don't think you'd qualify."
Church Lady, of course, gets a little wall-eyed and lectures me for saying such things in front of my "little nephews" which apparently offended the fuck out of both Padawan and Stoic Nephew as they sent her and her lecherous husband the same venomous pissed off look which made my Cousin Stan say, "I haven't seen that look on someone's face since the last time Keira and I flattened Uncle Leroy's tires for running over her big wheel." Number of times we flattened his tires: 11. Number of Big Wheels he replaced between the two of us: 8. To the best of my knowledge he never replaced Castle Greyskull when he fell on it one night while he was drunk. He did, however, buy himself an air compressor and he learned to lock his car door after the unfortunate incident with his new Camero and a couple of psychotic chickens.
They sit down with their little square buzzer thing entirely too close to me for me not to overhear them talking about me and my evil sinful ways: writing porn, marrying a black man, living with a man before I was married, getting an education out of state in one of those "liberal colleges", etc. They went on to speculate why I hadn't done my "Christian Duty" by having children but it was probably fortunate that I hadn't procreated since they would be "mixed race". At this point, my husband's hand is digging into the bench and Cousin Stan looks like he's plotting a full on war. The last time we declared war on someone we spent 200 bucks at Costco buying toiler paper. We rolled that person's house four times in six months (and dumped baby powder in the ventilation system of their house). What? I never once said we weren't horrible, mean-spirited people.
Regardless, we're sitting there all getting progressively more furious by the second.
And Stoic Nephew finally huffs and says to them both, "I hope you both find a cure for your assholery before you die because assholes don't go to heaven."
Stan laughs and waves our little buzzer thing and says, "Oh, look, our table is ready. Let's take our heathen asses to a table and order dessert first!"
We all had a piece of caramel pie as an appetizer. Then I let Stoic Nephew order off the adult menu. The kid tore up some salmon.
So, last night we're sitting on a bench waiting for a table at O'Charlie's and Cousin Stan is trying vainly to have a conversation about football with Cock Provider. He knows less about football than I do and I, on one memorable occasion, once called the Seattle Seahawks -- "That seabird team you like". Right. Cock Provider is more amused than anything by this entire conversation. I'm pretty sure every time they talk the phrase "Bless his heart" hovers on the tip of my husband's tongue for hours afterward.
So Padawan and Stoic Nephew are sitting side by side on a bench and this woman who knows my Aunt Holy Roller comes in. She's normally a somewhat decent person for all of her vigorous efforts to turn everyone into snake-handling religious zealots (like herself). But as you know I've become less and less interested in being polite to people who shove their spiritual cock down my throat. But I try to be nice but her husband is a lecher and a rather snotty bastard on top of it. He grabbed my ass the summer after my junior year in college and elbowed him so hard in the stomach he nearly threw up (no guilt).
Now Church Lady asked me if I'd been to a "service" recently and I proudly announce to the entire lobby that I had come to terms with the fact that I, myself, am a goddess and I started my own cock worshiping cult as a result. Stan and Cock Provider both burst out laughing. Lecher laughs it off and asks if he can join and I look right at his crotch and say, "I don't think you'd qualify."
Church Lady, of course, gets a little wall-eyed and lectures me for saying such things in front of my "little nephews" which apparently offended the fuck out of both Padawan and Stoic Nephew as they sent her and her lecherous husband the same venomous pissed off look which made my Cousin Stan say, "I haven't seen that look on someone's face since the last time Keira and I flattened Uncle Leroy's tires for running over her big wheel." Number of times we flattened his tires: 11. Number of Big Wheels he replaced between the two of us: 8. To the best of my knowledge he never replaced Castle Greyskull when he fell on it one night while he was drunk. He did, however, buy himself an air compressor and he learned to lock his car door after the unfortunate incident with his new Camero and a couple of psychotic chickens.
They sit down with their little square buzzer thing entirely too close to me for me not to overhear them talking about me and my evil sinful ways: writing porn, marrying a black man, living with a man before I was married, getting an education out of state in one of those "liberal colleges", etc. They went on to speculate why I hadn't done my "Christian Duty" by having children but it was probably fortunate that I hadn't procreated since they would be "mixed race". At this point, my husband's hand is digging into the bench and Cousin Stan looks like he's plotting a full on war. The last time we declared war on someone we spent 200 bucks at Costco buying toiler paper. We rolled that person's house four times in six months (and dumped baby powder in the ventilation system of their house). What? I never once said we weren't horrible, mean-spirited people.
Regardless, we're sitting there all getting progressively more furious by the second.
And Stoic Nephew finally huffs and says to them both, "I hope you both find a cure for your assholery before you die because assholes don't go to heaven."
Stan laughs and waves our little buzzer thing and says, "Oh, look, our table is ready. Let's take our heathen asses to a table and order dessert first!"
We all had a piece of caramel pie as an appetizer. Then I let Stoic Nephew order off the adult menu. The kid tore up some salmon.
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Date: 2012-05-19 01:51 pm (UTC)Also, you found a guy that doesn't like FOOTBALL? OMFG. Wherever did you find him?
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Date: 2012-05-19 01:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2012-05-19 01:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-20 09:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 01:55 pm (UTC)Kudos to stoic nephew! He is truly following in a goddesses foot steps!
Keep up the stories, and your minions shall continue to worship at your feet! Oh and suck cock!!! lmao
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Date: 2012-05-19 01:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 01:58 pm (UTC)Happy Saturday morning! :)
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Date: 2012-05-19 02:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 02:12 pm (UTC)Good for you.
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Date: 2012-05-19 02:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 02:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 02:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 04:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2012-05-19 02:46 pm (UTC)Anyway, mad props to you and yours. Terrific way to handle the situation.
WHat does it matter what race the cock provider is? Pffft. That just pisses me off. So long as no one's being beaten or otherwise abused, your marriage and the state thereof is no one's business but yours.
Although, I am happy for you that you found someone who loves you so much. One hears horror stories from one's single friends about how hard a 'good man' is to find. I dunno - mine was pretty easy to locate. Maybe they're looking in the wrong places?
Anyway, my husband always responds to 'people' thusly: The Holy Rollers say that they're going to heaven and I'm not. But if they're not there with me, then it won't be hell -- so I guess we're all going to the same place.
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Date: 2012-05-19 02:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 03:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 03:05 pm (UTC)I hope Church Lady and Teeny Peeny inhaled their tongues when Stoic Nephew schooled them. Way to go, Stoic Nephew!!!
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Date: 2012-05-20 09:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2012-05-19 03:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 03:18 pm (UTC)Your family is awesome.
Date: 2012-05-19 03:56 pm (UTC)Re: Your family is awesome.
Date: 2012-05-20 02:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 04:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 05:10 pm (UTC)and I so needed a slice of your life this morning.. Last night a very good friend of mine and her husband was Lifeflighted out to St. Louis after wrecking a four wheeler.. A early morning txt from her little brother though brought me good news..
and I might have gotten mad at the nutty woman and asked.. I write porn because its fun.. and I can mess with more heads..(pardon the pun) and two... write Christian books would be too boring.. telling everyone to be good.. and not do kinky things in bed.. But you know... she might like playing with them snakes..cause you know.. she can't play with husband's out in the open.. or it might be too small..
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Date: 2012-05-19 05:19 pm (UTC)I have serious love for your nephews and if they were legal I'd take them out for hookers and beer, because awesomeness on that level should be rewarded.
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Date: 2012-05-19 10:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 06:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-19 06:50 pm (UTC)And Padawan, Stoic Nephew, Cousin Stan and the Cock Provider.
You make my day!
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Date: 2012-05-19 06:58 pm (UTC)