Shit My Mother Has Said to Today

[keiramarcos]

Upon leaving the mall, "Fuck this. Let's go sit in Starbucks until the zombies come."

Upon getting in her SUV, "Gawd, it's hotter than a whore in church in this thing."

I ask her, "Does my hair look bad put up?" and she says, "Nope, I'd ask you about mine but it's too hot to give a fuck."

Sitting in the cafe as I refused to sit in Starbucks and listen to their stupid swing music, "Well at least they tinted the damn windows. It was hotter than a mother fucker in here last summer."

I said, "They had to replace the windows because of the tornado."

She says, "Oh, well, how's that for a silver lining?"

Edited to add:

Shouted out the driver's side window of her SUV at a man driving an F150 in a Wal-Mart parking lot because he tailgated her, "Mother fucker, the last man that rode my ass that hard at least bought me dinner first!"

--
To give you some context, she sounds just like Susanne from Designing Women (Delta Burke in the yellow blouse in the video below):

Comments

[azurehart.livejournal.com]

The offer to let her adopt me still stands.

[ladyholder.livejournal.com]

There are whole levels of awesome just dedicated to your mom.

~L

[tres_mechante.livejournal.com]

Wow. *giggles madly* For some reason now I have the most peculiar urge to have your mother and mine in the same room at the same time. The resulting conversation/commentaries would likely be epic. *ponder* Actually,I think I just scared myself...

*points to icon* (sending cool thoughts your way)

[djaddict.livejournal.com]

Your mom is a hoot!

What is she like with alcohol added?

[keiramarcos]

She is a maudlin tipsy and a sleepy drunk. It's sad really but she isn't allowed to drink these days. Her medications make drinking a risky proposition.

[bluepickles2100.livejournal.com]

If your mother had ever met my grandma I think the world might have exploded. She used to say things like(with me and my sister at the table) "
don't wear too much make up it makes you look desperate and most likely to be a whore." Then she'd point to me and say "of course you don't want to look like THAT. I'm sure you actually WANT a husband one day." And no, she wasn't kidding. Oh and I do wear make up. Not alot and I'm not one of those retouch my face every hour people so it tends to melt off, but still!

And despite her being the original bitch I still miss the old hag (which yes I did call her to her face!) Family, shakes head.

[sarehkert.livejournal.com]

Go Mom! Does your mother realise that she now has all these new daughters worldwide who have adopted her, to save her the trouble of adopting us.

[inu-spockya.livejournal.com]

...and one son? *looks hopeful* *and laughs some more*

[jademac2442.livejournal.com]

I stand by what I said yesterday. I would watch this tv show EVERY day.

[calanor.livejournal.com]

I so want to meet your MOM..... God SHE ROCKS!!!!


And I quit watching Designing Women when she left the show.. cause Susanne MADE the show..

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

lolol

[seadragonlady.livejournal.com]

My daughter thinks I'm as good with an insult or throw away line as your Mum but I bow to her awesomeness. She is way out of my league.

[lilz54.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the laugh! Really needed it today!

[inu-spockya.livejournal.com]

heee, your mom is awesomesauce, hee hee she makes me laugh and that is treasure indeed.

may the tornado not come back though. just, no.