Two Conversations

[keiramarcos]

I had the following two conversations in the thirty minutes it took me to put up my groceries:

Accidental Sex is Impossible:

When I return home from grocery shopping (which ladyholder  an attest was quite traumatic for me this evening), I found my husband on the phone with his long time friend from college that I will call California Asshole from now on. California Asshole and my husband often call each other during sporting events (football and basketball specifically) and use the speaker phone feature on our phone system to watch games together. ENTIRE games together. Their bromance is fierce but I'm not worried since they live on opposite sides of the country. Now California Asshole is an educated man and he's married to a very sweet woman (VSW). We often yell things to each other when our husbands are using the speaker-phone to experience surround sound assholery together while they male bond over the poor performance of a millionaire playing with a ball on national television.

Anyways, I come home and these two are talking and CP is in the kitchen with me putting up groceries and California Asshole tells CP that his friend from work accidentally cheated on his wife. And my husband asked, "Is it an accident because he cheated or because he got caught?" which makes California Asshole laugh his ass off. (see he's a 100% asshole).  So there is this whole story where California Asshole tells my husband about his friend who had unexpected, accidental sex with a co-worker (on the job) and got put on probation. Anyways, his wife found out and she filed for divorce.

And I said, "Oh, I'd need a lawyer but it wouldn't be for a divorce."

And California Asshole said, "It really was an accident."

AND I said, "Bullshit, there is no circumstance where that's possible. You can't accidently have sex with someone."

And CP laughed and said, "Maybe it was an accident."

And I pointed myfinger at him and said, "No. Absolutely not. You can't just fall on someone and your dick just magically ends up in the appropriate hole. If that were possible, frankly, I'd find football much more interesting."

I don't know what was better -- the California Asshole hyperventilating, VSW's laughter, or the fact that my husband was stunned absolutely silent. He literally had nothing to say.


Padawan and His Teenage Angst:

So, Padawan calls shortly after I sent CP off to have a few moments to collect himself and says to me. "Mom is so mean to me. I can't stand it here. And I hate her. I want to spend the week with you.

And I said, "Well, I guess you're old enough to know. You're not actually her kid she adopted you. I was just out of college and I didn't know who your Dad was. I mean it could have been anyone of ten different guys to be perfectly frank. So... she agreed to raise you and be your mom."

And his breath got all hitchy and he started crying and asked, "Are you for real?"

And I said, "No you little asshole, my sister spent sixteen fucking hours pushing you out of her vagina. Have some respect or I'm going to come over there and kick you in the neck. I swear to Thor if you don't get over your teenage angst years immediately that I will spend the next two decades making you pay for it."

Comments

[ladyholder.livejournal.com]

Yes, the grocery store was totally mean to you in many horrible ways.

Want me to find them, call them & bitch them out for disappointing you on all those items? I remember each one!

Also? You are so damn right. Football would be much more fun if accidental sex happened during tackles... Takes the phrase 'tight end' to a whole new height!

~L

[keiramarcos]

*giggles*

Tight End.
Punter.
Wide Receiver.

[ladyholder.livejournal.com]

Would they get different types of lube?

Or would some of the guys get measured to add to their vital statistics?

~L

[inu-spockya.livejournal.com]

*waves a fashionable limp wrist* well, honey, I *certainly* hope so!! *evil smirk*

whaddaya *MEAN* there's no hot smexxin' in fantasy football. Why the hell NOT!!

lololol at accidental sex. yeah, right. suuuure it happens just dat way, amirite?

*snerk*

damn, you fuckin' slay me, every time!! *snorkroffle* way to straighten out dat kid an' goose him to fly right!!

[noxnoctisanima.livejournal.com]

Australian football has a position called 'hooker' :D

[ladyholder.livejournal.com]

OMG.

Totally win on that!

~L

[keiramarcos]

LMFAO.

[b3ri.livejournal.com]

conversation once between my boyfriend and a newly-migrated-to-Australia American friend.

AF - want to go to the beach?
BF - nah mate, I had to fill in for John and play hooker yesterday, I'm really tired and sore
AF - um, okaaaaaay
BF - I should have taped down my ears, I swear this one guy tried to rip them off
AF - wow.... um.... wow.
at which point I ruined everything by being unable to restrain my laughter.

I will never forget their looks of awkward horror

[chris-king-2005.livejournal.com]

ROFL

[wordwitch.livejournal.com]

Oh how I wish you had gotten video, but frankly your descriptions are vivid enough to obviate the need.
*chortles hysterically*

[qbic1.livejournal.com]

Annnnnndddddd I can never watch football the same way again. It 's the tight white pants, isn't it? LOLOL.

Poor Padawan, no sympathy from his aunt. You are so very cruel. I adore that about you.

[djaddict.livejournal.com]

The best part is, they will both probably remember that the next time they watch football.

Tormenting your CP never gets old does it? lol

[keiramarcos]

Nope.

[vlredreign.livejournal.com]

You are a sick, sadistic, twisted woman.

I think I'm in love with you.

[keiramarcos]

;-)

[iadorespike]

You can't just fall on someone and your dick just magically ends up in the appropriate hole. If that were possible, frankly, I'd find football much more interesting."

You know, just when I think you've said the most profound, absolutely truthful thing possible, you go and top yourself with something like this. Truer words for real. You are amazing.

I'm glad that you're keeping your Padawan grounded. *snickers*

Thanks for this post of awesome!

♥ ♥ ♥

[hermya.livejournal.com]

Utterly hilarious, and I love the way you dealt with Padawan. Going to have to use that myself.

[calanor.livejournal.com]

accidental sex????

I'd like to see that man say that to a female judge....

You see Judge she was sitting on the copier with her skirt up.. or wait she might have been bent over the copier.. can't quite remember... And my pants well they just fell down..the zipper must have failed...

[sarehkert.livejournal.com]

Ahh men, only they could think up something like accidental adultery!

As I said you are evil poor Padawan, he thought he had won the lottery, you were his mom. Love the fact that the 10 different men didn't even register. Cruel to be kind he had it coming.

Hate shopping especially the groceries.

[keiramarcos]

He texted me later and all it had was: 10?

[otrame.livejournal.com]

Okay, you really need a warning for us older types. Some little symbol that means, "Clinch down on those muscles HARD or you are going to need to change your panti-liner."

[sarehkert.livejournal.com]

I'd take it as you scored a perfect 10 :D

[seadragonlady.livejournal.com]

A morning post from Keria - costly.

My fault I should have known better & moved the keyboard before drinking & reading. I wanted a new keyboard anyway. *lol*

A reality check for teenagers - priceless.

[keiramarcos]

OOps?

[sleepyheathen.livejournal.com]

You remind me of my aunt in all the best ways. Young padawan is lucky to have you!

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

In a small, venal way it's a pity you laid down the law about accidental sex. I would love to have heard California Asshole's version of how it's possible. Sounds like a little hyperventilation over one of his fave manly pastimes is good for his soul.

Wish I had a picture of Padawan's face at the "sixteen hours pushing you out of her vagina" mark. Teenaged boys are so easy.

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

Really, accidentally? And all he got was probation? Fucker.

lol Poor Padawan. You go, girl!

[lady-usako.livejournal.com]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I love you. I really do. You never fail to bring a smile to my face or make me laugh. You bring such 'joy' to my life. You write the most amazing fanfiction (which I read over and over) and tell the best life stories. We all have our struggles in life and you actually help get me through some of mine. I hope one day I can help you in some way. -Thank you

[keiramarcos]

;-)

[tlyna.livejournal.com]

And I pointed my finger at him and said, "No. Absolutely not. You can't just fall on someone and your dick just magically ends up in the appropriate hole. If that were possible, frankly, I'd find football much more interesting."


And at that I spit a Virgin Mary all over my keyboard and got the very spicy drink coming out my nose (OW!) Thanks for the early morning laugh, I needed it.

[keiramarcos]

You are welcome.

[pclu2004.livejournal.com]

Is it still accidental sex if you wear a condom?

[otrame.livejournal.com]

I just read the Padawan story to my son, who laughed his ass off and then said he was going to use that on his son when needed, which is likely to be soon, as he turns 13 in August.

Then I read my seriously footballphilic son the other part and I think he hurt himself.

[timespirt.livejournal.com]

Accidental Sex is Impossible

Bahahahahaha...Male shock at football pun, priceless!

[vasaris.livejournal.com]

OMG, you're evil. I've now got images of teams lubing one another up before the game, and that one guy who doesn't want to be *too* stretched because he really wants to *feel* it.

Basketball just became more interesting, too, involving nakedness and hard bodies glistening with oil.

...I'm going to be very disappointed if I ever go back to having TV and decide to watch a game.

[ladyeigh.livejournal.com]

Sport of the Gods (Rugby) has Hookers as well....interesting when the team chose to have their positions instead of their names on hoodies one year!!!

He got so much stick, and quite a lot of action ;)

[janae-twilight.livejournal.com]

I really love your familial interactions!

[karasumaakane]

LMAO! I would actually watch football if that was the case.

[8dreamcatcher8.livejournal.com]

God, I love your real life anecdotes ;-)

[starlight2463.livejournal.com]

Can I just say you are absolutely awesome!

[auntbijou.livejournal.com]

My daughter, amid hysterical laughter after I read this to her ( she's 17) , says she loves you and now wants to draw things for you and wants to know if you have any requests. Apparently, you have out-awesomed me!

MY favorite part is your description of magical accidental sex!!! *dies laughing again*

[keiramarcos]

Hmmm... something beautiful. I like pretty things. I'll print it and put it on my frig ;-)