The Most Annoying Questions in my InBox (and my answers)

My husband said I shouldn't email people nasty stuff anymore so.... from people who obviously have no fear of me making fun of them on my LJ I present to you the most annoying people in my inbox (lj and gmail):

1. Why do you keep sneaking femslash and het into your fics?
Answer: Well, frankly, I'm offended that you used the work "sneaking" as it implies that I've some how mislead people. I usually list prominent pairings in my fics and I don't warn for slash or het -- which I've been pretty clear about. I've not written in detailed het or femslash sex in my fics (except for the het in Dark Places which should be obvious from the advertised pairings). So, fuck you.

2. Why don't you update more often? I read your LJ that you don't have a day job or anything.
Answer: Well, Princess Precious Moments, I posted 263,000 words of completed fan fic last year and that was on TOP of my writing professionally on 5 different projects. Maybe you don't realize this but the planet doesn't actually evolve around you. Since the average commercial novel is between 65,000 and 75,000 words I could have written 3 or 4 novels to sell with the time I spent on fan fiction. If my "poor" level of productivity bothers you so much--go glut yourself on fanfiction.net. 

3. Why are you so mean to people who try to give you advice?
Answer: Because I didn't ask for it and I made it clear I don't want it. Let me ask you a question, why are you so convinced that everyone wants to hear what you have to say? What makes you think that a total stranger, like myself, really has any interest whatsoever in your little opinion? In the immortal words of Molly Ringwald, shit twice and die.

4. I really wish you'd update No Enemy Within. I'm tired of waiting for it.
Answer: Well, that's tricky since No Enemy Within is actually COMPLETE. Seriously? I assume you mean you'd like me to update the series, Lantean Legacy, and I will when I have something finished to update with. Contrary to popular belief, it is not possible to pull a completed novel out of one's ass. Though, if anyone could it would be me because I'm awesome. If I had magical powers, I'd curse you silly but I don't but just know that somewhere in the wilds of the southern United States, I am glaring at you and thinking very poorly of you. Patience is a fucking virtue.

5. People rec your work all the time and I finally took the time to read some of it. I don't see what people like about your work. You make no effort to actually work with canon, your characters are OOC all the time, you have too many original characters, and none of it is believable. I won't be wasting any more time on your site. Though, I do have a question-- why do you bother writing in fandoms when canon obviously mean nothing to you?
Answer: Hi, thank you for your honesty. I for one, appreciate someone that can be honest and articulate their feelings in such a direct way. Let me be equally honest with you, I don't actually participate in "fandoms" much anymore. I rarely participate in challenges or prompts. I belong to communities on LJ but I don't post to them. I write fan fiction because it amuses me and I find it relaxing. I don't make any effort to write in "canon" and I don't think a fan fiction writer is capable of it. It's only canon in Star Trek if it was in the movies or tv shows. It's only canon in SGA or SG1 if it's in the movies, shows, and maybe the books (not sure, never read them). I write the stories I wish I could've watched. I write the characters as I wish they had been. I don't write fan fiction for you or frankly anyone else you might stumble upon my site. I'm pleased when others enjoy it but I really don't give a shit about those who don't. You don't have to read it and to help you out--I've banned your IP from my website, deleted your account, banned your email from creating a new account all so you won't accidently waste anymore of your time. 

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And for the 9 people who complained about my habit of posting YouTube videos on my LJ:

Note: It has occurred to me that I've already violated my intentions to be nicer to asshats in my email. Well, I lasted almost 48 hours... so that counts for something.