Hindsight is a Motherfucker

I think, sometimes, that you don't realize how much stress you're suffering under until your situation changes in a drastic way and that source of stress is removed. Over the past month, I've been going through a battery of tests for leukemia. The reason being is that I had all the symptoms (but one) of someone with chronic leukemia. All of the blood work that has been done came back negative today -- now they're testing for other things and I might have a bone marrow biopsy in my future just to be sure. But the thing is when the doctor told me she wanted to check for leukemia my brain sort of went sideways on me.

I worry a lot about breast cancer - I have every reason to. But leukemia? I wasn't worried about that. I had tests done about five years ago because of an elevated white blood cell count and everything came back fine. I thought that was just off the table for future concern which I know is stupid. Hindsight really is a motherfucker.

The doctor ordered some more tests today because obviously there is something wrong and the bone tenderness in particular is worrying for both me and my doctor. A consistant amount of pressure on practically any large bone in my body causes a moderate amount of pain. It doesn't hurt as I sit here though if I crossed my legs on my foot stool -- the bottom leg would start to hurt almost immediately. It's such a weird situation.

So, it's not leukemia. I can take those dire numbers off the table because the average life expectancy for someone with chronic leukemia is just ten fucking years after diagnosis. I've had that number brewing around in my head for almost an entire month.

Anyways, lately I've been short-tempered and it's shone itself in a variety of ways in my online life. I came home this afternoon after going over all of the results and just crawled into my bed. The relief was was so intense it actually gave me a headche. How odd is that?