Hindsight is a Motherfucker

[keiramarcos]

I think, sometimes, that you don't realize how much stress you're suffering under until your situation changes in a drastic way and that source of stress is removed. Over the past month, I've been going through a battery of tests for leukemia. The reason being is that I had all the symptoms (but one) of someone with chronic leukemia. All of the blood work that has been done came back negative today -- now they're testing for other things and I might have a bone marrow biopsy in my future just to be sure. But the thing is when the doctor told me she wanted to check for leukemia my brain sort of went sideways on me.

I worry a lot about breast cancer - I have every reason to. But leukemia? I wasn't worried about that. I had tests done about five years ago because of an elevated white blood cell count and everything came back fine. I thought that was just off the table for future concern which I know is stupid. Hindsight really is a motherfucker.

The doctor ordered some more tests today because obviously there is something wrong and the bone tenderness in particular is worrying for both me and my doctor. A consistant amount of pressure on practically any large bone in my body causes a moderate amount of pain. It doesn't hurt as I sit here though if I crossed my legs on my foot stool -- the bottom leg would start to hurt almost immediately. It's such a weird situation.

So, it's not leukemia. I can take those dire numbers off the table because the average life expectancy for someone with chronic leukemia is just ten fucking years after diagnosis. I've had that number brewing around in my head for almost an entire month.

Anyways, lately I've been short-tempered and it's shone itself in a variety of ways in my online life. I came home this afternoon after going over all of the results and just crawled into my bed. The relief was was so intense it actually gave me a headche. How odd is that?

Comments

[arlinya.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear that you've been facing this all this time. Glad the tests are negative.

I hope whatever ends up being the cause, it is something that CAN be fixed or, at the very least, mediated so that you can feel like normal.

My hopes and good wishes to you over this.

Oh, thank THOR

[ladyholder.livejournal.com]

:: Stares at words ::

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

We'll be with you 100% through this. I'm just glad it isn't leukemia.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

~L

[bubblesnail.livejournal.com]

My husband was diagnosed with chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL) two years ago at age 31. There are new drugs available now that can really work wonders. Sorry to hear you've had a hard time and I hope you can arrive at a diagnosis soon.

[keiramarcos]

I fixate on numbers and statistics. Good and bad, across the board. I'm glad the new drugs are working for him.

I don't want to get too personal -- but did he ever have blood tests come back negative? I guess part of me worries that they missed something and I should go ahead and get the bone biopsy asap.

[kraymond24.livejournal.com]

I really hope you get some relief from that stress. That is such a hard thing to have hanging over you, and I hope you get answers soon.

[jilltanith.livejournal.com]

I never met my maternal grandmother because of that horrible disease. (((((Hugs)))))

[bubblesnail.livejournal.com]

I understand if it's too sensitive a topic, but has there been any evidence of it passing on to later generations in your family? The docs all say it's not hereditary, but anecdotal online stories seem to show at least partial heredity. My husband has CLL and we just had a baby, so I've been on the lookout for more info.

Well Fuck

[sarehkert.livejournal.com]

My first response was fuck! Then shit! Relief is an understatement. Sleep. Happy for you.

[honeybeegrace.livejournal.com]

Well, shit. Sorry to hear that you've been under so much stress. Release from that can be just as hard hitting as the stress. Here is hoping your doctors find out what is going on.

[iadorespike]

Well, thank Thor for your good news. I'm so sorry that you've been going through all of this...crap...and having to deal with the stress of it. Entitled Assholery on top of that stress...well, it's a miracle that you didn't kill some of them with your mind. Rest, Keira. Hopefully the relief from stress headache didn't last too long.

♥

[hab318princess.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear that leukemia is off the table. I hope you get the answers you need quickly.

[syble4.livejournal.com]

I very happy to hear your tests were negative. I hope they find the cause of your problems and that they are easy to take care of.

Relief can have a huge effect to stressed out system. ((HUGS))

[jillyjames]

I'm so glad the test was negative. Whatever you need, we'll be here for you. *hugs*

[vasaris.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad that it isn't leukemia and I sincerely hope that they diagnose whatever is wrong as something treatable and non-horrible.

Relief is marvelous, and I hope that the final diagnosis is accompanied by the same fatigue and headache ;) Although here's to spontaneous orgasm instead.

[desertpoet]

I'm so glad to hear you're okay. Waiting for test results can be so stressful and scary I'm glad you can relax somewhat now. I hope the bone biopsy comes back negative too.

[spacevegetable.livejournal.com]

Health stresses really suck. They tend to be personal and can be difficult to share, which just adds to the frustration and stress. I know I tend to avoid talking about them out of embarrassment or fear of appearing as a whiny bitch who no one wants to be around. But then that just leaves you with your own thoughts and imagination, which can be even worse.

I'm so glad to hear it's not leukemia. Have they ruled out autoimmune conditions? Elevated white cell counts can indicate that. I have rheumatoid arthritis myself, so pain and high white cells are standard for me. Makes it hard to tell when something else is wrong, though. I've actually fractured bones without even realizing it because the pain wasn't as bad as daily life with RA.

I hope the diagnostics figure out what it is soon, so you can finally have peace of mind.

[danceswithgary]

I was going to suggest the same thing. It took a long time for the diagnosis of undifferentiated connective tissue disease because it doesn't present with the full range of any of the autoimmune list, instead bits and pieces of many different. A rheumatologist might be helpful.

[countesscullen.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear that the test for leukaemia came back negative, I hope they fine the cause soon and that you feel better.

[seadragonlady.livejournal.com]

Hoping for a good outcomes from your investigations. Strangely Hallmark don't do a card for this. *lol*
I'm lucky I am a 'in the moment ' person these days. Having survived Liver cancer & Transplant last year, I'm just glad to alive every morning.

So sorry

[hexe-38.livejournal.com]

you have to go through this.

Since for the moment, the real horrible diagnosis is off the table - did your Doc check for the real banal reasons, like... well something like a too low level of vitamin D can cause bone aches. It's so ridiculous, so easy to work around, but some docs just don't think about it. A friend of mine had too less vitamin B 12 - she had neural problems, couldn't feel her fingers and so on and was really freaked out.

For me it was a low (low!!!) level of iron, which nearly crippled me for everyday life.Just saying, maybe (hopefully!!!) it's just something so easy to overlook.

Please do something really nice for yourself every day. Writing nice words to you doesn't change anything, but I hope you take a little uplifting from it. All the best for you, be well!!!

[thdancingferret.livejournal.com]

I'm so, so sorry you're having to deal with this, I really am. I have invasive breast cancer that's been in remission for just over 9 years. But now, due to increasing symptoms & wonky blood test results, my oncologist is now concerned that I may have possible bone metastasis (which would put me as Stage 4 and terminal) or a new blood cancer like multiple myeloma or leukemia, and I may be looking at bone marrow biopsy in my near future. So I can totally sympathise with how you probably feel. I know you don't know me much, as I'm really just a quiet lurker most of the time, but if you ever need an ear, virtual or otherwise, I'm here. I've no idea if this will help how you feel at all, but the way I've always looked at it is, know the statistics so you can make informed choices about tests, treatment, etc, but I refuse to meekly be a statistic. If my cancer decides to rev up again, I'll fight it tooth and nail and kick it in the ass just as hard as I did last time. Hang in there and do whatever you need to do to feel better - let someone pamper you for a day or maybe some retail therapy? Whatever works for you *hugs*

[alinora.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy to hear that the test results come back negative. I can't even imagine what a relief it was to have that taken off you. Hopefully they can figure out what has been causing your pain and it will be something simple and easy to treat.

[danceswithgary]

I'm so glad that diagnosis is off the table. You have my sympathies for the stress and pain of not knowing the the hell is going wrong with your body. I hope your doctors come up with something treatable soon.

*gentle hug*

[writerlibrarian]

i hope you get answers soon and get some piece of mind.

[angeliquemb9.livejournal.com]

Western doctors have "practices" for a reason. They need more - unfortunately, that makes us the guinea pigs upon which they practice. Keep in mind that all numbers and statistics must have both highs and lows to become "averages". You, my dear, are anything but average, so make the determination that whatever this is, you're going to live as long as you damned well please.

I know my beliefs aren't yours, so please accept healing energy from the prayers I say on your behalf. That's all we really are - varying levels of vibrating molecules that vibrate at rates that create the solids, liquids and gases of the human body. Thoughts and prayers are energy that aid those molecules to get back to the right level of vibration. Feel better.

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

I am very, very glad for you that the tests are negative for leukemia and sorry it took that long to find out.

Fingers are crossed that the bone tenderness is easily addressed!

[auntbijou.livejournal.com]

WELL! You've been having adventures, and not the fun kind, either! So, yay it's not leukemia! But you're miserable, and it's certainly worth finding out what actually IS going on, or ruling stuff out. I'm with the crowd asking about auto-immune issues, too, because that you've said about bone tenderness and exhaustion sounds awfully familiar. Mine is thyroid caused, and there are times when my joints ache to the point of TEARS, and crossing my legs even when I prop them up is a no go, because... the bottom leg starts to hurt right away. So... I end up with my feet apart on the ottoman or the bed.

Get the bone-marrow biopsy. It's worth it for peace of mind, if nothing else.

[jessica shoelover (from livejournal.com)]

Glad to hear that your test results come back negative. We had a leukemia scare with our daughter when she was about 18 months old. She's now 14 but those few days waiting on those test results remain the longest and scariest days of my life. Thankfully her results were negative and it was other issues that was causing her white cell counts to go insane.