Self Esteem Issues

[keiramarcos]

Somewhere along the line, I stopped caring what I looked like. It's weird...perhaps a part of the depression I've struggled with since I was a teenager but I was cleaning up my bathroom storage and I came across the little box I keep my cosmetics in. I had to throw the foundation and powder away because I hadn't used it in so long it was dried out/cracked. It was a such a weird moment and while I've never worn a lot of make-up I did realize that I hadn't worn any in about 2 years.

I haven't had my hair cut/styled in about six months.

Maybe it's because I gained weight due to the PCOS and I felt so "ugh" for months on end that I just stopped caring about my personal appearance. It really isn't about the make-up because as I said,  I've rarely worn a lot anyways but in the past I've always made sure to be put together if you know what I mean.

More to the point, this whole time I didn't realize I was having some kind of self esteem thing going on --which is also probably related to depression. Maybe I need a stronger prescription.

Sigh.

--KM

PS -- Do not dare give me a lecture about "natural" remedies or recommend I take a walk in the fucking woods or some such nonsense. I've got a chemical imbalance in my brain that requires actual medication prescribed by a real goddamned doctor. Just FYI.

Comments

[ladyholder.livejournal.com]

You do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel good & I'll be behind you, 100% of the way.

~L

[timespirt.livejournal.com]

"HUGS"

[stargate-loon.livejournal.com]

While a walk in the woods would be therapeutic for some people, I don't think that would really apply to you. Chemical imbalances suck, I'm right there with you on that. Hope you feel better soon, and you are beautiful just as you are. (Everyone is, sometimes a reminder just helps.)

[danceswithgary]

I understand and sympathize about the self esteem issue. It completely sucks that you're suffering from depression.

Not trying to hijack this, just letting you know you're not alone and that I understand. PCOS was one of the many possible diagnoses for me before they settled on autoimmune (rheumatoid arthritis and lupus). Depression came along with it and I've been taking meds for it for 20 years now.

I used to own too many shoes and beautiful dresses/suits and wore jewelry Gary loved to buy for me. I can't remember the last time I put earrings in, the shoes and clothes are all donated, and I live in pajamas because that's the only thing that feels light and soft enough on my skin. Never wore makeup, but my hair was always cut and colored - now it's chopped off and steel gray.

I wish I could offer something helpful, but all I have is hope that you'll have better days. You deserve them.

[esteefee]

I have PCOS. In addition to all the attendant shit that comes with it (which I won't list because there's a lot of shame attached) the medication I take for the migraines actually has depression as a side-effect, which is just super.

I relate, I sympathize, and man, I don't know when I stopped looking in the mirror. I'm sorry that the medical "industry" just never decided to give a flying fuck about PCOS or trying to cure it because it wasn't worth money to do so. I'm sorry that women's health issues, especially ones that are difficult to diagnose and result in women coming in with idiomatic symptoms and problems with their lady parts or just plain gaining weight squicks male doctors out so fucking much that they decide it's all in our fucking heads and send us away with bogus "stress" diagnoses. Or tell us losing weight will just solve all our problems, as if the PCOS itself isn't causing us to gain weight because of our high insulin resistance and blood sugar shenanigans.

I'm sorry, babe. Fuck them. But maybe do get a hair cut/style because that's just damned fun and it might make you feel good. You deserve it.

[keiramarcos]

Recently I've started taking Victoza for the insulin resistance and it's worked out pretty great. I have to wonder how the cancellation of the ACA will impact my ability to get the prescription since that shit is 1700 dollars a month without insurance.

[eva-75057.livejournal.com]

I have been diabetic during more than 10 years and have taken Victoza for 2 years and can make sure you that without complementing it with a lot of exercise it will stop working with the time. Now I am taking Bydureon, which is only a weekly injeccion but in one month I have lowered 5 kilos in weight and my sugar is almost normal. It costs me 20€ to me in Spain with the Social security but I imagine that in USA it would be the most expensive.

[esteefee]

Jeezy creezy $1700/mo!!! God those assholes better not kill the ACA.

I'm on metformin for it. I have no idea how much it would cost without insurance. I'm afraid to find out.

[keiramarcos]

I'm taking metformin, too. Just 1000 a day now that I'm on Victoza. I was taking 2,000 a day of Metformin before I made the switch.

I've lost 25lbs and my a1c is down to a 4.9 since I started Victoza in October.

[esteefee]

that is very cool. I should talk to my endocrinologist about Victoza.

[karvd.livejournal.com]

I hear prizes like that and I worry for my friends and family in de US, especially with the ACA up in the air. In the Netherlands where I live Victoza costs a little over 50 euro per pen. Which means that even at the maximum recommended dose of 1,8mg a day you (or actually your insurance) won't pay more than 160 euro a month.

[keiramarcos]

With my current copay -- I pay 40usd for 6 pens. So I've got a good deal as long as things don't change.

[karasumaakane]

I wish you felt better! *hugs!*

depression

[cruhl.livejournal.com]

Meds work (when you get the right one at the right dose). Therapy helps me deal with coping strategies. Taking a walk, natural remedies, exercise etc. may have some benefit, but they don't change your brain. It is no different than taking my insulin. Fucking around with either has dire consequences including possible early death. You might find the website "The Mighty" helpful.

[lbell007.livejournal.com]

I also have PCOS, so I sympathize, understand, etc.

Depression was my main symptom which saw me going to psychiatrist for two years and trying medication for it directly, doesn't work at all. Damned chemical imbalances. It put my life in slow motion for about two years, pretty much screwing it up cause I was trying to finish college with no motivation what so ever.

I don't know how encouraging I can really be, because I know how much depression sucks and you don't want to do anything particularly outside of your comfort zone. Hopefully you can get your medication sorted out soon. And despite the challenges you face you are still writing, being creative, and making an impact on all of us, which impresses me so much!

[seadragonlady.livejournal.com]

We Brits do bitch about our dear old NHS but we really shouldn't. Things could be so much worse. Hope you can get your imbalance sorted out.

[sarehkert.livejournal.com]

((HUGS))

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

May be worth a trip to you health care provider to see what's to be done? If the "meh" about writing and "eh" about keeping up appearances coincide with the changes in meds discussed in comments, could be something they know about and if not, something they should know about.

Hugs & love!

[batspit.livejournal.com]

The pressure to make your own neurochemicals from scratch is bullshit. Store bought is fine. If they hadn't fucked up our food supply so it was nutritionally empty, then maybe more of us would have the resources and energy to make them, but whatever.

Going store bought, you can really customize, instead of just working with what's in the brain pantry.

This, on top of your lack of desire to write, suggests it's time for an upgrade. It's just not you. And that sucks.

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}}

Amen to the PS.

[mass-hipgnosis.livejournal.com]

Favorite ridiculous suggestions to 'cure' my depression I've had from well-meaning meddlers:

1. crystal aura therapy
2. a gluten-free diet
3. paleo diet
4. ketogenic diet
5. vegan diet!
6. various 'herbal' remedies, some more legal than others
7. NO WORD OF A LIE, yoga on the beach at sunrise. Like something out of a cheesy tampon commercial.

My wish for you is that your stronger or new meds have minimal side effects, and any and all well-meaning meddlers and their unwanted advice are repelled by the force of your awesome.

[angels21k.livejournal.com]

My heart goes out to you. Hang in there, love.


{{lots of hugs}}

[irishamber.livejournal.com]

Well, crap. You have my sympathies. Having been through depressive episodes before, I agree those drugs are lifesavers. Go you! On realizing you're having some issues and best of luck however you address them...athough if you've taken to wearing sneakers everywhere as most of the American population seems to, I highly recommend putting on real shoes when you go out as they can make you feel sooo much better.

[irishamber.livejournal.com]

Gah! Just reread this. Just in case it didn't come across right, that bit about the shoes was supposed to make you laugh. Grr on how I totally suck at conveying tone of voice when I write. It probably doesn't help that my sense of humor is way left of center. Hope your days get better.

[ninja007.livejournal.com]

You do what you gotta do. I suffer from PTSD and I can't tell you how many times people have give me "advice" that wasn't about to work if they took a little time and tried to understand the issues at hand.

*hugs*

[liekinloimu.livejournal.com]

I hope your depression meds are working. I've suffered from atypical depression/anxiety/wtf for the last ten years, gone up and down, changed meds, gone to therapy and have been constantly crossing my fingers and hoping the next week will be better than the last one.

I feel that when it comes to mental illnesses we are still basically living in the dark ages: "Oh, you have these and these symptoms? Well, we don't really have any way to find out what is the real physical reason for your problems, so how about we try some citalopram, it has been known to help some people." Just substitute citalopram with quicksilver, and that comment could have come from a medical practitioner 1000 years ago. Let's just keep on trying different remedies for the patient until they get better (sometimes despite the medication) or die off (sometimes because of medication).

[yanagi-wa.livejournal.com]

The remark that infuriates me the most is, "Just snap out of it. You'll be fine if you just put your mind to it."

Son is Bi-polar so ... yeah. Not like he's done everything possible. I just want to smack some people. Really.

[nighean-isis.livejournal.com]

This may be coming from left field, but I wanted to say thank you for posting this. For some reason, I'd never heard of PCOS - I might have seen it somewhere, but I never looked it up. I just did and realized that I've had four of the five major symptoms for the last, oh...30 years or so. I now know I need to have a conversation with my medical team. Quickly, before ACA goes into whatever the hell the White House Resident (I refuse to call him President) and his merry band of idiots have planned.

It's not the reason you posted, but I hope the fact that you've helped someone else, even by accident, makes you feel a little better.

*HUGS*

[optimouse.livejournal.com]

Assholes are assholes. No, that is an insult to useful body parts...uh oh, I've talked myself into a corner where I feel sorry for comparing things to other things.

Twatwaffle? That might work. They're twatwaffles.

Medication is what's letting me feel the most mentally balanced that I've been in two years. Shaming others for taking a medication that makes your body and mind healthier is wrong.

[rivkaesque.livejournal.com]

That sucks horribly. I'm behind you - and while for me no longer feeling so bad about myself that I needed cosmetics would be a good thing (I abhor the feeling of gunk on my skin), I take it you're a woman for whom it's actually self-care. Please do take care of yourself!

And yes, you need real medication. I use herbal remedies because I'm ultra-sensitive to mood-altering medication and most anti-depressants make me scarily manic. Proof enough that some people need that boost!

[legessa27.livejournal.com]

I have seizures and it took my doctor about a year and a half to find a med that helps control them. There are about 4 out there and wouldn't you know it was the last one that works. The side effects for all of them include depression, mood swings, and thoughts of suicide. Let's just say it has been a trip. I turn from happy to bitch with the turn of a sentence.

I don't have insurance and the cost for my lowest dose is $400 a month. Luckily I found one of those freebie discount websites that has reduced the cost to about $35 a month or I would be royally screwed.

The disregard for personal appearance sucks! I get told that I'm pretty when I make an effort, but I could really care less anymore. I used to be put together when I went out and that included jewelry everyday. If I didn't have at least two rings on (with gemstones) then something was wrong. Now my jewelry just sits in the chest and I look at only once in a great while.