Bounced Checks
Apr. 9th, 2011 12:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keiramarcosSometimes, when I'm really pissed off at someone--I'll open my mouth and the most horrible, fucked up things can come out of it. It's like I have no self-editor on the best of days and it's even worse on the bad days. Every person in my immediate family has a "story" about something I've said to them or near them or about them. My grandfather was fond of telling me:
"Your mouth writes checks your ass can't cash."
10 of the most horrible things I can actively remember saying when I was pissed:
1. Do you get paid to be an asshole or is this something you do for free?
2. I hope a T-Rex spontaneously evolves in your back yard and eats you.
3. You're so irritatingly emo that I bet you sparkle in the sun.
4. Let me know when you're finished being a cunt and I'll call you back because right now you're boring the fuck out of me.
5. The only way I could be less interested in dating you would be if you were actually a corpse.
6. If I had a dick that small, I certainly wouldn't show it off in public.
7. Your brother is better in bed than you!
8. I'd break up with you but I think it would more cost effective to kill you in your sleep.
9. The only reason you aren't dead is that I'm iffy about my ability to dispose of a body and I'm too cute for prison.
And finally, the most fucked up thing I ever said to anyone and I shouted this across a room full of people when I broke up with a college boyfriend:
"On a scale of 1 to 10, ten being "best fuck ever" and one being "can't fuck his way out of a wet paper sack" -- you're a -4!"
"Your mouth writes checks your ass can't cash."
10 of the most horrible things I can actively remember saying when I was pissed:
1. Do you get paid to be an asshole or is this something you do for free?
2. I hope a T-Rex spontaneously evolves in your back yard and eats you.
3. You're so irritatingly emo that I bet you sparkle in the sun.
4. Let me know when you're finished being a cunt and I'll call you back because right now you're boring the fuck out of me.
5. The only way I could be less interested in dating you would be if you were actually a corpse.
6. If I had a dick that small, I certainly wouldn't show it off in public.
7. Your brother is better in bed than you!
8. I'd break up with you but I think it would more cost effective to kill you in your sleep.
9. The only reason you aren't dead is that I'm iffy about my ability to dispose of a body and I'm too cute for prison.
And finally, the most fucked up thing I ever said to anyone and I shouted this across a room full of people when I broke up with a college boyfriend:
"On a scale of 1 to 10, ten being "best fuck ever" and one being "can't fuck his way out of a wet paper sack" -- you're a -4!"
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Date: 2011-04-09 01:42 am (UTC)Dear god in heaven. I love you.
Really.
~L
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Date: 2011-04-09 01:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 01:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 01:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 01:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 02:01 am (UTC)Love you sooooo much!
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Date: 2011-04-09 02:01 am (UTC)OMG... Now that one, i am going to have to remember! Seriously girl, you make me ROFL, and i love it! Wish i was brave enough to speak my mind like you do!! :-)
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Date: 2011-04-09 02:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 02:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 03:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 03:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 03:16 am (UTC)I only wish I could think that fast when I get that pissed off.
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Date: 2011-04-09 03:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 03:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 04:39 am (UTC)rotfl
Date: 2011-04-09 06:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 07:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 08:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 08:25 am (UTC)You absolutely need a Zazzle store full of t-shirts, bumperstickers and coffee mugs for your cultists.
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Date: 2011-04-09 08:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 09:14 am (UTC)No wonder you write such a fantastically snarky Rodney. :o)
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Date: 2011-04-09 10:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 11:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 11:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 11:34 am (UTC)I am definitely (as a friend of mine likes to say) sanding the serial numbers off of some of these for my own use...I especially like the T-Rex one!
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Date: 2011-04-09 11:43 am (UTC)Sounds eerily familiar. My Grandpa said (about both my Mother and I) "If your mouths were on your stomachs, your guts would fall out, because you couldn't keep your mouths shut to save your lives."
I have never possessed a functioning internal censor. I say shit before I realize I've even thought it and it gets a lot worse when confronted by an idiot. It makes shopping with me something of an adventure, and most of my relatives don't want to go anywhere with me. Okay, so it's not all bad.
You are much better at the one liner than I am, so I don't feel at all guilty that I'm going to steal a few of those for use on the morons in my life.
I love grandparents
Date: 2011-04-10 10:12 am (UTC)Mom: I wonder why such [an image conscious woman] would tell all of those stories on herself?
Me: What a heroic martyr she is as the world craps on her.
Mom: [cracks up]
Dad: [keeps driving home from their high school reunion stoically]
Grandma: You two cats! [then cracks up]
You'd think the apple would roll a millimeter or so from the tree across three generations, but no.
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Date: 2011-04-09 02:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 06:37 pm (UTC)"I know why your boyfriend hits you."
I meant it at the time, too.
(Actually, I still mean it. I would just never SAY it.)
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Date: 2011-04-09 07:53 pm (UTC)I told a friend once when I was pissed at her:
"I totally understand why your husband cheated on you."
I still don't think I've been forgiven for that.
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Date: 2011-04-10 12:09 pm (UTC)LOL
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Date: 2011-04-09 07:05 pm (UTC)While taking pictures of my younger sister before her prom, I once stood next to the mother of my high school sorta-boyfriend and commented, "At least she gets to go to the prom with the boy she wants."
*facepalm*.
(The kid across the street was much more into me than I was him. Shortly after I agreed to go steady with him, I met and fell in love with my husband. Since the husband is 13 years older than me, he couldn't be my date to the prom. So I went to the prom with the kid across the street. I found out later that he named one of his kids after me. I was so glad when my parents moved.)
I shouldn't have read that
Date: 2011-04-10 10:02 am (UTC)In other words, OMGPRICELESS
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Date: 2011-04-10 12:18 pm (UTC)My son is starting to learn that if he doesn't want me to start conversations about the best places on line to buy sex toys, he should shut his mouth about how often he's gettin' it.
Here's an hmmmmm question. if you are intolerant of intolerance, doesn't that make you intolerant?
I'm just sayin'.
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Date: 2011-04-10 03:19 pm (UTC)I'm pretty intolerant of intolerance myself ;-)
T T-Rex of Doom
Date: 2011-04-10 01:55 pm (UTC)I hope a T-Rex spontaneously evolves in your back yard and eats you.
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Date: 2011-04-11 06:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-16 05:38 am (UTC)I blocked most of those memories out though...