Epic Levels of Assholery
May. 5th, 2011 12:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keiramarcosI'm not a particularly tolerant person when it comes to stupid shit, bigotry of any kind, cheaters, abusers, religious zealots, neo-nazis, and the vast majority of the Republican Party.
I loathe people who think it's their duty to tell consenting adults how they should and should not express themselves sexually and emotionally. So, a list of reasons I might think you're asshole:
1. If you think that you're a superior to another human being (no matter the reason) -- you're asshole.
2. If you think you have the right to tell another adult human being who (other adults) they are allowed to love -- you're asshole.
3. If you think you're entitled to anything because of your ethnicity, citizenship status, gender, sexual preference, physical appearance, or educational level -- you're the kind of asshole that makes me want to look around for a blunt object.
You might be wondering where this comes from well never fear, bitches, I'm going to fill you in.
I have a variety of family (as you might remember) :uncles, aunts, cousins (first, second, and third). If I count them all including spouses/significant others -- there are over 300. Even more if I count all the men my three oldest aunts married and divorced throughout the years. They still get invited to family reunions if they managed to produce a kid while they were married to said blood relative. Our last official family reunion ended up with an invitation list of 315 and that was eight years ago. My mother has 15 living brothers and sisters. Okay, so all of that explained, I have this cousin. (lol)
Cousin Stan and I became pretty close as children--okay tight like thieves. If one of us was doing something horrible (illegal, amoral, unethical) you can bet your ass the other one was the lookout. Examples:
1. When we were seven/eight (he's older my 4 months), one of our uncles ran over Stan's tricycle, my big wheel, and my baby sister's brand new tricycle because he was drunk. Stan was livid and as a result-- our uncle found himself on the receiving end of the both of us. We caught 2 (psychotic) chickens and tossed them in his brand new car. After about an hour, we let them out, made sure all the windows were rolled down, and went about our business.
2. When we were ten-ish, the little boy down the street from my grandma's farm kissed me against my will and hit me when I shoved him away. In retaliation, Stan stole the baseball that the little boy's mom had helpfully written his name on and tossed it through their picture window. Then we sat on the fence and watched his mama WHUP his ass for it. He got three extra smacks for "lying" about it when he denied having broke her window.
3. When we were eight-ish, one of our cousins broke our grandfather's garden tiller and he blamed us. My mom believed me when I said I didn't do it. Stan's mom didn't believe him and spanked him for it. Three days later, we put two green snakes in her bed while she was asleep. She screamed so loud even the neighbor man came running. When asked why we did it (because we didn't even bother denying it)-- Stan said, "Cause I figure if I gotta take a whooping and being grounded that I might as well have earned it." -- We both had to hide behind our grandma to escape his mother's wrath. She was, to borrow a phrase from our great-grandma, 'fit-up'.
4. The summer we were ten, we were spending it with our grandparents and their youngest son had moved back in with them and wasn't even bothering to have a job or anything. Anyways, he was always picking on us and neither one of us have ever been particular tolerant of that shit. He thought he was pretty funny and he made the mistake of pulling a prank on us. Two weeks, 1 live chicken, three snakes in his bed, and a possum in a box on the foot of his bed during his afternoon nap later -- he apologized and begged us to leave him alone. Eventually, grandma called a peace summit and he was required to take us to the County Fair to get back on our good side.
So, having given you a little background. Stan texted me an hour ago and told me that he needed 4 snakes, a chicken, and if it was handy-- 24 rolls of toilet paper, duct tape, and a living or dead possum. When I called to ask him why he told me that his step-father recently informed Stan that he wasn't allowed to bring his new girlfriend into the house he was raised in because she's not white. So, after I called Aunt Busybody and told her I felt about her current husband -- I told her that if she didn't put her foot down and make that man toe the line that I definitely knew where I could get a possum.
PS- We never, ever killed the animals we caught.
I loathe people who think it's their duty to tell consenting adults how they should and should not express themselves sexually and emotionally. So, a list of reasons I might think you're asshole:
1. If you think that you're a superior to another human being (no matter the reason) -- you're asshole.
2. If you think you have the right to tell another adult human being who (other adults) they are allowed to love -- you're asshole.
3. If you think you're entitled to anything because of your ethnicity, citizenship status, gender, sexual preference, physical appearance, or educational level -- you're the kind of asshole that makes me want to look around for a blunt object.
You might be wondering where this comes from well never fear, bitches, I'm going to fill you in.
I have a variety of family (as you might remember) :uncles, aunts, cousins (first, second, and third). If I count them all including spouses/significant others -- there are over 300. Even more if I count all the men my three oldest aunts married and divorced throughout the years. They still get invited to family reunions if they managed to produce a kid while they were married to said blood relative. Our last official family reunion ended up with an invitation list of 315 and that was eight years ago. My mother has 15 living brothers and sisters. Okay, so all of that explained, I have this cousin. (lol)
Cousin Stan and I became pretty close as children--okay tight like thieves. If one of us was doing something horrible (illegal, amoral, unethical) you can bet your ass the other one was the lookout. Examples:
1. When we were seven/eight (he's older my 4 months), one of our uncles ran over Stan's tricycle, my big wheel, and my baby sister's brand new tricycle because he was drunk. Stan was livid and as a result-- our uncle found himself on the receiving end of the both of us. We caught 2 (psychotic) chickens and tossed them in his brand new car. After about an hour, we let them out, made sure all the windows were rolled down, and went about our business.
2. When we were ten-ish, the little boy down the street from my grandma's farm kissed me against my will and hit me when I shoved him away. In retaliation, Stan stole the baseball that the little boy's mom had helpfully written his name on and tossed it through their picture window. Then we sat on the fence and watched his mama WHUP his ass for it. He got three extra smacks for "lying" about it when he denied having broke her window.
3. When we were eight-ish, one of our cousins broke our grandfather's garden tiller and he blamed us. My mom believed me when I said I didn't do it. Stan's mom didn't believe him and spanked him for it. Three days later, we put two green snakes in her bed while she was asleep. She screamed so loud even the neighbor man came running. When asked why we did it (because we didn't even bother denying it)-- Stan said, "Cause I figure if I gotta take a whooping and being grounded that I might as well have earned it." -- We both had to hide behind our grandma to escape his mother's wrath. She was, to borrow a phrase from our great-grandma, 'fit-up'.
4. The summer we were ten, we were spending it with our grandparents and their youngest son had moved back in with them and wasn't even bothering to have a job or anything. Anyways, he was always picking on us and neither one of us have ever been particular tolerant of that shit. He thought he was pretty funny and he made the mistake of pulling a prank on us. Two weeks, 1 live chicken, three snakes in his bed, and a possum in a box on the foot of his bed during his afternoon nap later -- he apologized and begged us to leave him alone. Eventually, grandma called a peace summit and he was required to take us to the County Fair to get back on our good side.
So, having given you a little background. Stan texted me an hour ago and told me that he needed 4 snakes, a chicken, and if it was handy-- 24 rolls of toilet paper, duct tape, and a living or dead possum. When I called to ask him why he told me that his step-father recently informed Stan that he wasn't allowed to bring his new girlfriend into the house he was raised in because she's not white. So, after I called Aunt Busybody and told her I felt about her current husband -- I told her that if she didn't put her foot down and make that man toe the line that I definitely knew where I could get a possum.
PS- We never, ever killed the animals we caught.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 05:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 05:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 05:57 pm (UTC)What type of snake do you need?
LOL. I love your revenge ideas.
~L
no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 06:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 06:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 06:04 pm (UTC)And I think I might love Stan a little too now.
Stan texted me an hour ago and told me that he needed 4 snakes, a chicken, and if it was handy-- 24 rolls of toilet paper, duct tape, and a living or dead possum.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 06:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 06:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 06:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 06:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 06:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:08 pm (UTC)oh yeah
From:no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:17 pm (UTC)I got a cousin in Mississippi that raises nightcrawlers for bait. Nice big fat looooong ones... most excellent for slipping in boxer shorts and pockets...
no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:28 pm (UTC)Location: forehead - I don't know how the fuck he slept through that.
No 'like' button? Damn it!
Date: 2011-05-05 07:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:22 pm (UTC)I have to admit, I'm a little askeerda you now. :o)
no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:53 pm (UTC)Blood may be thicker than water but in my family that just means that they are less likely to call the police.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 11:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:36 pm (UTC)Send Stan everything he asked for. Racists need possums in their beds.
Your grandma must have been awesome, btw.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:53 pm (UTC)I suppose they aren't indigenous to your area.
Have you thought about about a raccoon? Destructive as hell and meaner than camel spit.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 07:54 pm (UTC)But I think you underestimate just how fucked up putting a possum in a box is.
The box pitches around and possum hiss and growl. In the right circumstances a more religious person might think someone put a demon in a box.
(no subject)
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From:no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 08:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 09:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-05 09:40 pm (UTC)