Stitch and Bitch

[keiramarcos]

I have a second cousin who lives in a different city. She's in her twenties. She has two kids and a dead-beat ex-husband. It recently came to light that she has been stripping. You know-- taking off her clothes for money. She's doing this to feed her kids.

I got roped into going to my aunt's house for an "intervention" and I didn't even know what it was about until I go there. So, I'm sitting there minding my own business (and quilting - SHUT UP) and this conversation happens:

Aunt Busy Body: "Susie, your mama told us you've been taking off your clothes for money."

My Mother: "Wait... is she turning tricks or stripping?"

Susie huffed indignantly. "I just take off my clothes!"

Aunt Holy Roller: "Well, I told my church and they're all praying for you to get right with Jesus."

Susie: "Well Jesus hasn't been all that helpful in paying for the things my kids need so I told him to fuck off."

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY AUNTS AND MY OWN MOTHER TURNED AND LOOKED RIGHT AT ME.

And I asked, "Why do you women always blame the atheist when someone says something negative about your invisible friend?"

Trucker's Wife (my cousin's first and only wife, we're proud of his accomplishment) opens a beer and says: "If you want that lousy ex-husband of yours to pay child support, I can send my boys around to kick his ass." She has two sons over the age of 20 who look like trucks. They've always looked like trucks. I don't know how she got them out of her vagina to be frank. They weighed eleven pounds each and were born 2 years apart.

Aunt Busy Body: "If he died, accidently, your kids could get his social security." One day, after she dies, I'm going to put some thought into the fact that she's buried two husbands.

Aunt Holy Roller: "We are getting off the point here! She's selling herself!"

And My Mother said: "No slut shaming! You got no room to judge at any rate. Or maybe you have a perfectly good explanation for the two years you were working at that Titty Bar during nursing school?"

Pause. My mother said the words "TITTY BAR". That shit cannot be unheard.

And Susie turns to me and asks, "What do you think?"

I shrugged. "It isn't like you're the first woman in our family to take their clothes off for money."

And my Aunt Busy Body huffed and demanded to know, "Why you gotta bring up old shit?"

Comments

[ladyholder.livejournal.com]

ROTFLMAO. OMG. I can't breathe!

Oh, this is so, so wonderful. I love your family.

~L

:: Cackels so hard she scares the kitten :: Heheheheheeeeee

[fanarts-series.livejournal.com]

OMG i had a good laugh.
A bunch of sassy ladies with common sense.

[recklesswanton]

Hahahahahaha it's like Karma only with tits!

Awesomesauce...

[batspit.livejournal.com]

Let's see, minimum wage fast food slinging crap and getting acne, or letting men pay you to tease them while earning a wage that you can support your kids on...
If you have a body that favors that kind of work, I'm all about getting men to pay you for stupid shit. Plus, she almost certainly gets to be home with her kids during the days when it matters.

Your mom is fantastic.

[pyrotechnik.livejournal.com]

This comment is why lj needs a "like" button. Also, an "Oh, HELL yes!" button.

[rivkaesque.livejournal.com]

agreed.

[arcadii]

My uncle (by marriage) had a grandmother that was probably a serial killer. I'm not sure if we have anyone that takes off their clothes for money, but I've got lots of cousins that get pregnant for a marriage license. Betty Explains Prayer was a hoot! It was so funny I had to pass it on. What isn't funny is that I know people just like that.

[calanor.livejournal.com]

I would've calmly mentioned something about googling and seeing if there was any pictures online somewhere of her former life as stripper? You can find anything and. everyone that way

snerk

[neeliemom.livejournal.com]

Hey, don't knock the quilting! You get together and visit, hear some good gossip, and at the end of it somebody gets a hand stitched quilt. And hand stitched quilts are Awesome! I didn't grow up thinking that quilts were a "decorative item"; we slept under those things honey, they're warm.

As for your cousin, nobody seems to be helping her and she's got kids to feed. My main concern is her safety and who watches her kids. If your aunt wants her to stop stripping then she(aunt holy-roller) needs to send her support money plus find her a better job.

[twilightseeker3.livejournal.com]

Now I know why you write such amazing fiction...your real life is already "larger than life". What kind of quilt? Are we gonna get pictures?

I teach for Head Start and one year my building was rather close to a local "Show Bar". Several of my moms worked there and would pick up their kids already dressed for work. It was amazing how many dads and grandpas all of a sudden were available to pick up their own kids. They were caring hard working moms in difficult situations and I always respected them.

[keiramarcos]

It's just a patch work quilt for one of my other cousins. She had a bunch of baby clothes that weren't fit for donating. So we cannibalized them for squares which took some work. She had MESSY babies. So it's a quilt of all of her kids baby clothes that they wore the most actually.

patchwork

[neeliemom.livejournal.com]

Those are the best kind of quilts, when you can look at the pieces and remember where they came from. I've got some quilts that have pieces from Mama's dresses and my maternity tops and my kids clothes. As years go by and you lose more people those old quilts get more precious.

Loving your stories

[mittens456.livejournal.com]

Why can't the women I quilt with be this much fun?

[youhavenoidea1.livejournal.com]

Now hold on a minute. Who is to say that Jesus didn't put all those guys willing to pay to look and not touch in world just to help out cousin Susie. I mean really. I thought God worked in mysterious ways. Why can't it be mysterious and useful as well?

[etakyma.livejournal.com]

There is no shame in doing the job you've got to do to feed your children. I am sure she wishes she didn't have to, but it is what she has right now.

I love your mom "No slut shaming" and willing to bring up the sordid past to get them to back off.

[etrangerici.livejournal.com]

Amen - and I'm pretty sure there's a parable about Jesus telling his posse "no slut shaming!" But don't take my heathen word for it...

[memprime.livejournal.com]

Your life needs to be turned into a reality show. I would totally watch it.

[halftime1030.livejournal.com]

Ditto. They can't write shit this good!

[danceswithgary]

You are responsible for me scaring the puppies by laughing too damn loud. :-D

[keiramarcos]

:-)

[iadorespike]

Aunt Holy Roller: "Well, I told my church and they're all praying for you to get right with Jesus."

Susie: "Well Jesus hasn't been all that helpful in paying for the things my kids need so I told him to fuck off."

EVERY SINGLE OF MY AUNTS AND MY OWN MOTHER TURNED AND LOOKED RIGHT AT ME.

I...I...Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I almost died laughing right there. Your family is awesome, seriously. It really did sound like Susie was channeling you, I'll give them that. Hee! Still, now that you have found your god - Thor - you're not really a true atheist. I don't think that they're giving your (newish) faith a lot of respect. ;)

Your family is amazing...seriously. I loved this story. :) I hope that Susie hangs in there, and kudos to her for doing what she needs to to take care of her kids.

[jimpage363.livejournal.com]

OMG. Steel Green Fried Magnolias - that's how I refer to your family now. Apparently, we've been doing our family reunions ALL wrong. Thank you for sharing these!!! The laughs are incredibly healing.

Quilting

[lbell007.livejournal.com]

I totally agree with you on quilting, it is quite fun. I have even taken my arts and crafts even farther taking up crotchet and making clothing. Being creative doesn't just mean writing.

Personally I think that conversation was hilarious. And I agree with your aunt, do what you have to do.

[rabidfan.livejournal.com]

Unless they plan on putting food on the table and clothes on the backs? They don't get a say.

Edited: Oh, yeah. Quilting is awesome. You spend an enjoyable time visiting (well...most of the time it's enjoyable), work with your hands in a most satisfying way, and end up with something that is both functional and artistic. There are few other things in the world that provide all those things!

[halftime1030.livejournal.com]

can't stop giggling... you are made of awesome, truly.

[azurehart.livejournal.com]

I really love your Mother. I know I've said it before but it bares repeating.

Also I have to think that my Great Aunt Delia would have got along just fine with that group. She's the one that got us all arrested three months before she lost her fight with cancer for groping a male stripper (and refusing to let go of his dick). She was 89.

Come to think of it my cousin Sue was drunk and did a strip tease on the table that night... we may have family in common Keira. Of course my cousin Sue weighs about 350 pounds so maybe not. She's also the one who claims her kid was fathered by Bigfoot and I'm sure if that was the case with your cousin you wouldn't have kept that shit to yourself.

[chris-king-2005.livejournal.com]

I adore your family.

You should just collect all your slice of life tags and publish them as a book.

[sarehkert.livejournal.com]

I love your family, might have to borrow Trucker's Wife sons.

My family is just plain boring, well except for the sister in law who thinks she is very special... very!

You know very special people don't like to be told... "you know you are no more special than anyone else, cause if you were you wouldn't have to squat to pee"

Poor pet only glares at me now... life is good!

[etrangerici.livejournal.com]

Steel Magnolias ain't the HALF of it, is it?

[yanagi-wa.livejournal.com]

OMG! Your family really takes the cake, and the cookies. And why did you get dragged into that again? *g*

Edit: I wish I'd had the two Trucker Boys when I was trying to get my first husband to pay child support. I had to go collect it myself, with a 1911A. Big pain.

[starlight2463.livejournal.com]

First may I say I adore you!
I love people who are not afraid to state things just as they are.
I also love your family, never a dull moment.
Your Mom is a hoot!

[kazbaby]

We need to put your family on tv without their knowing. We'd never stop being entertained and you'll make a fortune.

[rogue53.livejournal.com]

Had my daughter read this post because I kept giggling over it! Then she was giggling over it! And maybe her ex needs an intervention instead of her!!!!

[silentflux]

I can't stop chuckling at my computer screen... good thing my dogs are the only ones here to judge my crazy ;)

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

bwaaaaa hahahahaha! Also, I like Aunt Busybody's idea.

[leesquared.livejournal.com]

Trucker's Wife is right. One of these parents is doing what they need to to take care of the kids. It's the other one who needs an intervention.

Not that I have any bias here.

Why, Keira, why?

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

Because it makes the minions lose containment laughing, is why.

If it makes you feel better, I'm quite certain your mother has said much worse than "titty bar."

ZOMG the women in your family crack my shit up.

[timespirt.livejournal.com]

Bahahahahaha.

Get any real quilting done....LOL

[keiramarcos]

Yeah of course.

[countessbecula.livejournal.com]

That is hillarious. I love your mother. Your family cracks me up. BTW, what's the quilt you're making?

[keiramarcos]

Just a patchwork but we've done a Dutch Doll and a Wedding Ring this year.

We're currently piecing together something like this:
http://0.tqn.com/d/quilting/1/0/f/a/-/-/stars_window_quilt.jpg

It'll be our spring job for the big frame as we're making a california king sized version of it.

[countessbecula.livejournal.com]

That's really pretty. Cross stitch is about the only craft I can do. Anything that requires real sewing is beyond my incapable hands. I love quilts, though. I have 2 or 3.