Just Words

[keiramarcos]

So, yesterday I listed ten fucked up things I said while angry. It was kind of cathartic admitting them actually because while I do acknowledge that each and every one of them was fucked up-- I don't feel all that guilty about having said them.

Today I'm going to confess to things that I said that I really wish in retrospect that I'd never, ever said.

1. "I love you" -- said to my first college boyfriend but I really didn't know what it meant and he just wanted to sleep with a virgin and I felt so stupid months later when I realized it and when I told him that I hated him, I meant it with every cell in my body.

2. "I think we should just be friends" -- said to my best friend my second year of college after we had a steamy week long sex affair. I was petrified of losing his friendship and I broke both of our hearts in the process. I haven't heard from him in nearly eight years. He works with the Peace Corps -- he joined up our junior year of college and bailed on us, me, and everything else in his life to help other people and avoid his own crap. Avoidance is a nasty business but at least his productive about it.

3. "You're incapable of loving anyone but yourself and you're going to die alone and miserable." -- said to the guy I dated after college but before I met my husband. I dumped him two days later and when he called me a week afterward begging me to talk to him -- I hung up on him. I saw him for the first time in years about six months ago. He has his career but no wife, no children, and very few friends. He actually thanked me for making him realize he didn't need anyone but himself and I'm not still not sure if he was being sarcastic or if he really meant I'd fucked his world view up that much.

4. "If I'm pregnant, I know I can't keep it. I have a plan and a life and a career and there is no room for this kind of accident." -- said my friend my senior year of college three weeks after I took the GRE for grad school and a week after my period was due. I had no way of knowing that it was the beginnings of my issues with infertility, I was too busy praying not to be pregnant. I would give almost anything to take those prayers back -- to have had that baby with a guy I broke up with before I graduated because then I would have had a child.

5. "No, I don't want to go to the prom." -- I turned down three offers to be taken to my senior prom and I don't exactly regret not going. That kind of thing never interested me BUT the last boy I turned down ended up going to the prom with a bunch of other guys and they were in a car accident and while none of them died -- it did fuck up his knee and he lost his scholarship and never went to college.

It's the ripples right? You never know how your words and your actions are going to alter someone's path in life. I know I can't live my life worrying about what might happen or what could have happened if I'd chosen a different path.

Comments

[ladyholder.livejournal.com]

Agreed on the ripples. It is amazing how what we do affect the lives around us & ourselves down the line.

:: Hugs ::

~L

[steffi nickels (from livejournal.com)]

I think there are people in life that you meet for a reason. They are supposed to cause ripples in your life.

Examples:
When I was 18 (which is the legal age in Germany) I met a 25 year old guy in a bar and we dated for a couple of weeks. If you have just been dumped by your 18 year old boyfriend in a really nasty way, flirting with an older guy can do wonders for your self-esteem.

And a few years ago I went through a mayor depression. I met a girl early on who became my girlfriend for a few months. It didn't work out because she had her own issues to work through. But she worked in a psych ward and from the stories she told me I got the courage to go to (another) hospital myself and get help. Just in time before the bad part of the depression hit me.

They and a few others came into my life, stayed for a short while to help me in some way and then they vanished out of my life again. If I had never met those people, I think my life would have turned out quite different...

[rivkaesque.livejournal.com]

I know what your mean about how things will affect people. I have some incredibly deep regrets myself - I'm just not brave enough to post them.

[drace-hunter.livejournal.com]

I don't know if those words were wrong, but maybe they were right. Because now you reflect on them in interactions with others. It means they have shaped your world. What I DO know is this

since I stumbled upon your site

1/ I have raised my expectations of what good writing is. That when I write I have to really dig into depth with my characters

2/ Having read you livejournal entries I've decided I want to be that kind of badass and have been working on not just keeping my mouth shut when someone does something stupid

3/ You have made me expect more from myself, and to unafraid to unlease my inner bitch when faced with small minded individuals.

in summation. You kickass, and if you think you might have made mistakes, at least you are humane enough to think so! You kicked ass with the loser former boss, I'm sure if you thought you could you'd fix whatever "mistakes" you think you have made.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wV1FrqwZyKw&feature=related

^ actual "music video" starts at 2:25.

[auntbijou.livejournal.com]

No, you can't live your life worrying about the ripples. All you have is right now, and you just... do the best with it that you can. We all have less than stellar moments, and we all say things that later makes us squirm inside and wish we could take it back. And there are the things we wish we had said, but didn't, and wonder if it would have changed anything if we had.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Every time I think about things, and start to wish I could change things, I stop because... if I did, I wouldn't have what I have now, and you know, I'm pretty damn happy with where I am now. And I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't gone through the things I have, even the miserable, shitty things, so... nope, wouldn't change a thing. And I bet you wouldn't, either!

[keiramarcos]

I'm extremely happy with my husband so I wouldn't wish for anything different on the relationship front at all. When we met I was 100% sure that I was going to marry him -- practically from minute one.

[auntbijou.livejournal.com]

*chuckle* Yeah, I knew in the time it took us to walk from the sciences building to the student center that I was going to marry THO. Scared the bejeebers out of me, but I knew it all the same.

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

I turned down three marriage proposals from a guy who went on to live with another tall redhead for 14 years before she finally realized he really wanted to be married and she really didn't. After that, he married a short blond and went on to have two kids and a nervous breakdown.

What's awful is that's not the one I feel most guilty about: back when I was temping for my current employer, I got one of the other girls fired when I asked a manager about something she said (in a "is that true?" context) and was so utterly clueless to the interpersonal dynamics that would otherwise have kept my damn mouth shut.

[keiramarcos]

I did that once-- got someone fired from their position because of something I noticed. Christ, I felt guilty for months over it until my husband made me really think about what she'd done and how stupid it would have been on the legal front if I hadn't said something. Still, she lost a great job due to her own stupidity and my noticing it. It's not a great feeling.

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

No, not a great feeling at all, and if it hadn't been you or I, it would have been someone else. I came to the realization long ago that she ran off at the mouth before I did, and if I hadn't repeated it, she would have in front of someone who wouldn't feel bad.

After awhile, I can't decide whether I'm engaging in useless rationalization or useless guilt, and then usually have to go break up the catfights that ensue whenever I stop paying attention to the two most important residents of the apartment. ;)

[txrabbit.livejournal.com]

Wow.

I stopped here to let you know that I added you to my flist, and expect no reciprocation. I was poking through your lj last night after following the 'so you read gay porn' link at your website and was completely intrigued with your words over the course of the last month or so. I have several people who I follow just to experience their thought processes, and I hope you don't mind being one of them.

But after reading this, you've made me ponder what I have done in my life with just a few words. Thank you.

[tamstercmt.livejournal.com]

There is a reason for everything. I truly believe that. our actions can and do affect others, but it's up to them how they will learn from that.

I have regrets about things I've done more than things I've said. You can't change the past, so we can only learn from it and let it go.

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my knee replacement. It has made a profound impact on my life in unexpected ways. For most people it probably wouldn't. It's part of the ripple effect.

[keiramarcos]

How is your pain levels? I know when my mother had her knee replacement that her biggest issue was the bone pain which the pain medication barely controlled.

[tamstercmt.livejournal.com]

Surprisingly the bone pain hasn't been too bad. They gave me a nerve block and spinal anesthetic before I went into surgery. I had morphine the first 24 hours in addition to oxycontin. When my blood pressure dropped and they had to give me 3 units of red cells, someone was there almost the whole time and kept on top of the pain.

I've heard from a lot of people that the bone pain was unbelievable. I've been walking around the past couple of years with bone on bone so maybe I was used to it? The third day out, when I was having transfusions and generally out of it, was the worst day for pain for me. The past few days I've begun spacing out the oxycontin doses. I graduated to a cane yesterday. The trick for me is not to get too gung ho. I tend to think i can do more than I should, then pay for it with a major setback. It's hard to do but I keep looking at the big picture - being able to kick my daughter good and hard in the ass! ;-)

[i-cant-talk-now.livejournal.com]

You can only take responsibility for your own actions and your own search for happiness and success. Can you regret not being more polite? Sure. But you are not responsible for other people's happiness or life choices. It's a bit arrogant to assume that if you had married this guy, that his life would have been wonderful. And yours. That if you had not spoken what was in your heart when you said "No" or "not now" or " I love you," that things would have been better for someone else. That if you had been there, you could have stopped the car accident. Instead It could have been you in the car, too.

You are the one in charge of your emotions and reactions. And they are individuals and adults and are responsible for theirs. To meet someone years later and presume to know that one action on your part would have changed their whole life, made it better and more successful and happier, is I think really presumptuous. Years later you view your past actions and maybe have regrets or insights or change your view on how and the why something happened. But this is also true of the other person. They could look back and say, "wow, I really wasn't ready for marriage then. I am so glad she turned me down."

[i-cant-talk-now.livejournal.com]

all of this by the way reminds me of the website PostSecrets. Have you ever looked at it?

http://www.postsecret.com/

PostSecret
4/07/2011
Sunday Secrets
PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail
in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.

[keiramarcos]

These are just things I regret. I don't feel guilty about any of it because I can't control the world or other people. I just regret the words. It's always been my policy to be extremely honest with myself and regret is part of that process. I'm not all melancholy about it or anything. Just reflection.

The other thing...

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

...about pondering what-might-have-beens (that don't involve SGA characters, anyway) is that sooner or later, it all comes down to the realization that one was a secondary character in someone else's story, and I for one won't stand for it. ;)

It's the Ripples and the Butterfly Wings

[diversam.livejournal.com]

It is one or the other. No matter what you do in life something you do has an affect, but along the way your actions intersect with someone else's. And that is something you can't control or foresee. I am learning to take each day at a time. So chill and be your own snarky self.