Cousin Stan

[keiramarcos]

I have a metric fuckton of cousins but only one who knows the "Keira" persona. He likes to browse through my site and LJ just to keep track of my horribleness on a regular basis. About an hour ago, this motherfucker who I can't even claim isn't related to me since people have often asked us if were were fraternal twins sent me a list of things I've said to family members over the years that he remembers fondly.


Said to my cousin "LJ" after he made a rather unfortunately true remark about the guy I was dating at the time. -- "I wouldn't be surprised to find out you tortured puppies when you were a kid."

Said to my cousin "Darla" after she told my sister that my sister's first husband was lucky he died so he could escape her -- "I live in hope that your husband finally figures out that his gay experiment in college wasn't a phase."

Said to my Aunt BusyBody after she invited me to a "tent revival" for the sixth year in a row -- "Aunt Busybody, I'm not a Christian. The only time I step foot in a church is for funerals and weddings. Besides, if I want to handle snakes and talk to Jesus -- I can go to Stan's house to play with his pet boa and get shitfaced." (I don't remember it that way-- I'm pretty sure I said, "handle snakes and speak in tongues" but I think Stan remembers it differently because he doesn't want to think about how crazy his Mama might be)

Said to my Aunt BusyBody after she told me I was going to hell for not attending her "tent revival" and mending the error of my evil butt-sex writing ways -- "That won't be the reason I go to hell."

Said to my Uncle Jailbird when I was sixteen and he was on parole for the fourth and final time (he eventually died in jail the poor crazy thing, he couldn't help it he liked to steal things and watch stuff burn down) -- "Criminally speaking, you might be the more experienced of the two of us but if you don't shut up talking about my mama I'm going to go dig a hole for whatever is left of your body when I get done with you."

And finally to my cousin Stan about four years ago when he called to tell me that his sister's husband had kicked her ass -- "Do you need help with the body disposal or the crime scene clean up? I have a whole box of garbage bags from Costco."

Comments

Also fun

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

Perfectly deadpan, tell people you already worship at the Church of the Holy Mattress with Pastor Pillow and Deacon Sheets. Put a mental stopwatch on how long it takes them to figure out they're being messed with. It's a pale second to what Keira said, but I've gotten some mileage out of it.

Re: Also fun

[rivkaesque.livejournal.com]

Oh, I have a whole stockpile of things I say. (background: I grew up orthodox Jewish and am a lesbian)
Ahem.
1. Be nice to me, I'm Jesus' cousin.
2. I don't think god would appreciate you talking that way about his in-laws.
3. You want the second coming to happen, right? And it will happen the same way as the first one, right? Well, I'm a Jewish virgin. Are you sure you want to be trying to convert me?
4. (when busybodies in my old community ask what they should be looking for for me in their match making) Intelligent, into literature or speculative fiction, a good sense of humor, and at least a small B cup.
5. (when asked why I'm gay) Because guys have that wierd dangly thing.
6. Trust me, I'm weirder than you think. (this one works every. single. time.)

Re: Also fun

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

1. Be nice to me, I'm Jesus' cousin.
2. I don't think god would appreciate you talking that way about his in-laws.

I'll bet you get a lot of really confused looks with these. Most Christians near me seem to have deleted the "Jewish carpenter" thing from their mental canon. These are the same people with a lily-white Jesus on their walls at home.

3. You want the second coming to happen, right? And it will happen the same way as the first one, right? Well, I'm a Jewish virgin. Are you sure you want to be trying to convert me?

I've slept through most of the apocalyptic stuff, but based on what I remember, I assume you get a more combative response from this one, as Jesus is supposed to return in a wave of fire or something? Also, if you're still a virgin, light a fire under the nice b-cups in your life. ;) (no, I'm not one of those who equate absence of penetration with virginity.)


4. (when busybodies in my old community ask what they should be looking for for me in their match making) Intelligent, into literature or speculative fiction, a good sense of humor, and at least a small B cup.

Have you ever gotten a picture of their lemon-pinched faces at a critical moment? That would be priceless.

5. (when asked why I'm gay) Because guys have that wierd dangly thing.

Again, pix! You likely get the most awesome looks from that one, too. I tend to bore people into a coma with a discussion of evolutionary biology. When it's ADD as the focus, there's a lot less prurient interest to begin with. The helpers-in-the-nest thing I've heard about same-sex preferences was pretty fascinating, though.

6. Trust me, I'm weirder than you think. (this one works every. single. time.)

Hey, if 1 through 5 didn't do it, the big guns are warranted. The look on your face as you deliver this one would be the best, I guess?

Re: Also fun

[rivkaesque.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'd love to light that fire, but I had to move to the middle of nowhere, SD for work. Not many W4W here. Believe me, it's a major part of why I'm trying to leave or - ah - warmer shores. And they do equate lack of penetration with virinity, so or them it'll be true 'till I die! It doesn't usually get combative responses. I had one girl ask for a map of the 'Jewish places' in town so she could avoid them, and one guy got really pale (good trick, he was Hispanic) and threw away his tracts.

And sadly, no pix. But yeah, they're priceless - at least when they know what I mean. The thing is, the community I grew up in is so freaking conservative that I didn't even know it was possible to be gay until I went to college. (I thought my desire to kiss girls was just me being another kind of 'girl crush', and what I really wanted was just to be best friends. I did know I wasn't attracted to men, but I just assumed I was frigid.) So a few of these women still don't know that 'sometimes girls kiss girls', so they get these really confused looks on their faces, and try to explain that we don't measure men's chests that way. A bout a half hour later, their kids will enlighten them, and they'll get this priceless look of shock and confusion, and in one memorable case, sheer envy. Good times. And for some reason, guys tend to cross their legs or put things in their laps when I call their genitalia 'wierd dangly things'. Guys are so wierd about their dicks.

Last but not least, hell yeah on that best look of all. It's the 'How could it possibly get worse' look - the one that's a combination of puzzled, horrified, dumbstruck, and enlightened. I love it. I'm bad... :}